


Tuskless Reckoning

by Tsark



Series: Tuskless Love [3]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, F/M, One instance of body horror, be there or don't be there, every Sunday, updates weekly, you do you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2019-10-13 06:16:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 23,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17482697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsark/pseuds/Tsark
Summary: The final book has appeared on bookshelves throughout Faerun!Well it will when Dill and Poltroon finish writing it anyway.Give them some encouragement but also some eating tips cause they live on snacks, it's not healthy.





	1. Chapter 1

Do you think it’s time we got around to the end of this series?

Oh my gods! Yes! I have literally been on at you for the last week to finish this! 

Wait, you have?

What did you think I meant by ‘We need to finish this book, the commissioner is waiting’?

I just thought that was code!

Code for what?

Well, you can’t complain about me not being attentive this past week can you?

I… I am not even going to dignify that with an answer. Just get your quills, I’ll meet you in the study. 

For…?

I will thump you!

Alright! Calm down, I’ll bring you a cup of tea shall I?

You’d better!

 

Fjord strode along the concourse, cloak’s hood pulled low over his face.   
His eyes searched from side to side, trying to find what he was looking for.   
There was only a small amount of time left to find it. If he didn’t, there would be hell to pay.   
A fruit seller started to gather his wares into boxes, ready to take home. This was the signal for the end of the market and the onset of evening.   
Not good, he was almost out of time.   
Quickening his pace, Fjord headed for the artisan’s quarters, home to the items people created for special occasions.   
The half orc peered over his shoulder, sure he was being followed by a malevolent presence.   
He was so close now, he could hear the hawkers calling their products.  
Picking up speed, he darted between shoppers to find the one person he needed right now.   
There! A face, a delicate hand and tail. There she was!   
Fjord gave a sigh of relief and all but leapt forward to the woman behind the stall.  
“Hey.” He said, a little out of breath.   
The cat woman behind the wooden stall grinned toothily at him. Her fur was a sandy brown dotted with black and her clothes were practical for a peasant until you saw the glint of metal armour underneath her skirts.   
“Hey darlin’! I just finished it up, y’all got the money?”  
“Yes, yes I do. Thank you so much Ali! You’re saving my life with this.” Fjord hastily scrabbled in his coin purse and placed a handful of money into the woman’s hand.  
Ali chuckled. “Not the last time I heard that and y’all ain’t the first to break his girlfriend’s prized possession.”  
“She’s hardly my girlfriend, more an associate. How does it look?”  
“I think I got the look right, why don’t you have a gander here?”  
Ali pulled out an elaborate flask made out of metal and with a small chain holding the screw top in place.  
“It looks just like the old one, you’re amazing!” Fjord said with awe.   
“Well I wouldn’t argue with you hon, just you remember to tell folks where you got it. Deal?”  
“Deal. You really saved my-”  
“FJORD!”   
“Oh no.”  
A small, cloaked and bandaged figure stomped towards Ali’s stall, eyes glittering angrily as she approached the pair.   
“I cannot believe you! You step on my drinking flask and a week later you STILL haven’t replaced it? What kind of a cad are you?”   
“Now Nott I did say I would replace it but it would take more than a few days-”  
“I have had to wait for taverns to let me in before I could drink! Do you know how hard it is to get served when half the bartenders think you’re underage? I’ve been almost sober twice now! It’s not pretty I can tell you!”  
“I get that Nott but that’s why the lovely Ms Katt here has helped make something for you, I mean I paid her to do the work but, well here.”  
Quickly, Fjord passed the flask down to the angry goblin, trying not to make it look as though he was intimidated.   
Nott peered at the flask, then glared at Fjord as she took hold of it and gave it a quick inspection.   
It took awhile for the goblin to confirm that it was beautiful work. Almost the same as the old flask but with little flourishes here and there that improved upon the old design.   
“Think it’ll do you darlin’?” Ali asked as she leaned over the counter.   
Nott sniffed imperiously and secreted the flask in a pocket of her own cloak.   
“It will do. I’ll see how I feel about forgiving you later on.”  
“Thank you Nott, that’s very generous of you.”   
“I like to be magnanimous.”  
“That you are. And you Ms Katt, thank you very much for saving my skin.”  
“It was a nice project to try my hand at hon. And it’s always good to see my work appreciated.”  
“It very much is, I’ll be sure to send more business your way.”   
So saying, Fjord took the cat person’s hand and gave a smooth kiss to her fingers. Ali waved him away but grinned even as she did.  
A moment later the two sprang apart as a small weasel leapt onto the stall and chittered angrily, bouncing in a war dance between the small items of jewellery Ali had laid out.   
“Nott! Get your damn animal out of here!” Fjord snapped, trying to grab the weasel as it sprang away again.   
“She does what she wants, as do I! Now I must be off to find liquor!”  
Nott swished her cloak around her small body and scampered back the way she came, leaving Fjord to glare after her.   
“I’m sorry about this.” He said. “Usually this one’s pretty well behaved.”  
“It’s alright, I know about pets.” Ali replied as she swiped at the weasel, which leapt nimbly away again and stepped into a pile of rings.   
“You just gotta wait till they’re distracted and grab ‘em.” She said as she watched the weasel snapping at her fingers as it ran across the stall right into a pile of copper wire that started ti tangle around and around its body.   
The weasel chittered and squeaked with rage as it got itself wrapped round and round the wire.   
“Well that’s what you get for being a pile of mischief.” Fjord told it as he grabbed it by the scruff and started to extricate the animal.   
“Ain’t that always the way with pets and little ones.” Ali said as she sorted through the mess on her stall. “You can’t have anything neat and tidy for long around them. But it’s always worth it for the joy they bring.”  
“You have kids of your own?”  
“None I made myself, but there’s a few running around here that might as well call me mama. I always did hate seeing kids facing the world alone.”  
“Well, it’s good to know you’re here to look out for them.”  
The weasel had now been freed from its copper prison and hung limply in Fjord’s grip, glaring at her new captor.   
“As for me all I have is this little terror and my friends. But we’re working on getting some of our old gang back together. We’re dealing with something… that can’t be dealt with alone, you know?”  
Ali nodded as she rearranged her wares back into a semblance of order. “I know all about that kind of thing hon. You can never forget your friends at times like those. Or your loved ones.” She added a wink as she said that, causing Fjord to blush a little.   
“You think I’m in love?”  
“Oh honey, you hardly kiss like a bard. Plus whenever you hear something cute your eyes drift off like you’re thinking of someone.”  
“I’m that obvious huh?”  
Ali laughed loudly. “Only to us hopeless romantics hon. But you’d do best to remember there’s nothing to help you face your demons than knowing someone loves you. Helps you get home safe too.”  
“Do you have someone to get home too?”  
“Oh I have my strays and runaways. That’s enough for a street cat like me. Y’all better get along now, I need to get more than just the one customer before I leave tonight.”  
Thank you for your time and your work. It’s really great craftsmanship.”  
“Flattery will get you everywhere, now git!” The cat woman made a shooing motion with her hands even as she grinned, tail waving behind her.  
Fjord gave her one last wave and turned away from the marketplace.   
He looked down at the ferret in his hands. “You know if Nott weren’t so fond of you I’d suggest we leave you in the forest somewhere after all the trouble you’ve caused.”  
The scarlet weasel squeaked and smooshed its cheeks with its paws. Fjord rolled his eyes.   
“That kind of thing only works with Jester, you’re an annoyance. If I didn’t think she might like to see you someday you would have been lunch three stops back.”  
The weasel cocked its head cutely to one side, then acrobatically wriggled out of Fjord’s grasp and scurried up his arm before curling around his neck.   
“Don’t get too comfy,” he warned it. “We’ve got to get you back to Nott so I can actually get some work done. If you hadn’t started those high jinks I might have got that nice lady to sell us a few pieces of her black market stuff for some real firepower.”  
The weasel merely nuzzled at his throat with its cold nose.   
“Where’s a hungry owl when you need one?” Fjord groaned as he continued walking.


	2. Tuskless tieflings

Fjord, Nott and Caleb had spent the last two nights in the city of Neverwinter and had spent most of that time in the Driftwood tavern, worriedly trying to keep track of Caduceus and Yasha’s progress.   
Caleb had some kind of scrying spell going and a small version of Yasha and Caduceus were holding a silent conversation with someone invisible on the table.  
“How are we supposed to know what they’re saying?” Nott asked, head in her hands.   
“I thought it might be useful, or we could work out how to read lips very quickly.” Caleb said as he nursed a pint of house ale.   
“How long does it usually take people.”  
“Oh not long. A year or two at most.”  
“And how long have we been watching this?”  
“Ten minutes.”   
“So we should have picked up a syllable by now, which means we can decode the others and work out what they’re saying!”  
“If you say so.”  
Fjord entered the tavern, kicking the dirt off of his boots before going through the doorway. The weasel around his neck wriggled indignantly as he pulled off his cloak and draped it over the back of the chair he claimed at his companions’ table.   
“Any news?” Fjord asked, watching the tiny versions of their friends as they started to walk in place.”  
“Yes!” Nott said excitedly. “I’m pretty sure Yasha just said that she might take a plum to bed tonight after eating the flappy cauldron.”  
“Nothing new.” Caleb confirmed with a roll of his eyes. “They definitely handed something to someone, but they were out of view. It may have been the reliquary or they might have been buying supplies.”  
“So we have to keep going on the basis that they might be on their way to finishing the job. Perfect.”   
The half orc sighed and scrubbed his face with his hands.   
“And you’re not getting anything from Erik?”  
“Still nothing. I’m sorry Fjord but we must trust to hope where your friend is concerned, otherwise we will never be able to deal with the root cause of our problems.”  
“I’d be more hopeful if we knew thing one about how he’s doing.”  
“Maybe we should try and sneak someone in to check in on him?” Nott suggested. “I’m pretty sneaky, I think I could make it in there and back pretty safely.”  
“No! We are NOT losing anymore people. It’s bad enough leaving Yasha and Caduceus on their own without losing you too right in the middle of the hornet’s nest.”  
“It’s alright Fjord, it was just a suggestion. Although I may point out that you were happy for Jester and Beau to leave.”  
“Jester and Beau can watch each other’s backs to reach my family and the rest of the caravan. They’ll take good care of the girls until we can get back together and finish this.”  
“If it helps at all,” Caleb interrupted. “Nott and I have been finding a lot of willing ears to listen to our tales of a strange artefact we left nearby. So far there have been three separate locations suggested for where it is.”  
“Good… that’s…. Good. Ok, that should help put the asshole’s feelers up. Then we just need him to get desperate and reach out and we’ll have a way to bargain for our friends. We’ll all be ok.”  
“Of course we will.” Nott said, patting Fjord’s hand. “All of us will be.”  
Caleb grimaced a little and looked away as he took another sip from his drink.   
Madame Rosene slipped a tray between the group and passed out three mugs of ale fresh from the barrel.   
“There you go boys, drinks all round.” She said with a smile.  
“Uh, thanks Rosie, but we didn’t order these.” Fjord said, brows knitted in confusion.   
“I know honey, they were paid for by the handsome stranger over there.”  
Rosene nodded towards a dark corner where a cloaked tiefling raised his own glass of some dark liquid in a salute.   
Fjord eyed the other before lifting his own mug with a nod.   
“Who is that?” Nott hissed once the barmaid had left them. “Do we know him?”  
“I don’t know,” Fjord muttered back, trying to look casual at the stranger. “Caleb? Any ideas?”  
“Nein, I don’t think I’ve seen this person anywhere.”  
“They’re coming over, is my mask straight?”   
The tiefling, with black hair and a deep brown skin surrounding black on black eyes stepped like a dancer, lightly coming to rest between Fjord and Nott.   
“I hear you three are in possession of something… interesting.” The deep voice murmured, coming forth almost like a whisper.   
“We may indeed have such an item.” Fjord said, leaning back carefully. “What has caused you to become interested in our….. Interesting item?”   
All three at the table winced at the terrible attempt to sound cool.   
Thankfully, their guest didn’t seem to notice.   
“My master has a predilection for such items. Might I be permitted to see more of this… item?”  
“You sound like you’re sincere friend, but we would need some measure of your desire before we can show our hand as it were.”  
The tiefling watched Fjord silently for a moment, then they reached for a coin purse at their side and threw it unceremoniously onto the table.   
Three pairs of eyes watched the purse spill open and a few gold and at least one platinum coin rolled onto the wooden surface.  
Caleb and Fjord shared a quick look and an almost imperceptible nod before turning back to the tiefling.   
“We’ll finish this discussion in our room if you don’t mind. It’s a little more… private.”  
“Of course.” Came the whispered answer. “Please, lead on.”  
Fjord and Caleb flanked the tiefling at the front and back while Nott gathered the coins up hurriedly and chased after them.   
Fjord felt the weasel sneak down to his hip and settle in a pocket there.   
It was probably for the best, if this was a connection to Lord Drylund they couldn’t risk the tiefling leaving after being face hugged by a scarlet noodle of mischief.   
Once everyone was through the door, Nott locked them in and leaned against the wood. She was doing her best to look intimidating, but the tiefling seemed utterly at ease, peering with vague interest around the room.   
“You’ll forgive us for checking the price matches what we were hoping for,” Fjord said. “We have had a few other parties sniffing around this thing.”  
“Understandable. My employer wishes it known that the money you have been provided thus far was not for the item, it was to secure your attention.”  
“Well… ok then. You have our attention, now perhaps you could be the first to state what it is you’re here for?”  
“If that is what you wish. You have been discussing an item you have, an item that holds the key to a source of great power.”  
“And you understand where that power comes from? What kind of creature inhabits it?”  
“The demon.” The whisper had turned to a hiss now. “The Glabrezu.”  
“Your master knows this, yet he still wants this thing?”  
“He does. He will pay you extremely well.”  
Fjord looked to Caleb, who nodded. Nott by the door made a few small movements to show that she had her daggers at the ready.   
Feeling as prepared as they could possibly be, Fjord Walked over to his bed.   
Rifling through his packs, he reached to the very bottom of one of the bags and pulled out a package well wrapped in cloth.   
Turning back, the tiefling was practically leaning forward towards the item with a hunger in their eyes.   
Not moving his gaze from their face, Fjord unwrapped the cloth to reveal the glass, wrapped in bronze and looking brightly polished.   
The tiefling practically sighed as a smile graced their lips.   
“My master will pay a handsome sum for such an item.” They said.   
“Indeed, we can talk business now all our cards are on the table so to speak.” Fjord agreed. The dark eyes flickered up to the half orc with a glint. “Are they now?”  
The tension rose on the people in the room.   
“I believe that before such a statement can be correct, we should first, dispell any illusions.”  
So saying, the tiefling raised their hand and cast the spell to remove magic happening in the room.  
The reliquary did not change, but the tiefling’s horns, skin and hair changed to a pink, blonde haired and blue eyed half elf sneering at the heroes.   
At the same moment as Vindeus revealed himself, Fjord felt his breeches expand roughly, then tear at the pocket where the weasel had been.   
A loud thud and an “Oof!” made him turn his head, despite the danger and he felt as though his body had turned to ice with the shock.  
“Jester?!” He cried.   
“Oops.” The blue tiefling sprawled next to him said. “Sorry Fjord.”


	3. Tuskless Negotiations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vindeus has found the group again! He's maybe a bit sore about that whole 'locking him away in a dungeon' thing, but he's a professional. He can maintain his composure....surely.

Fjord gaped at Jester as she guiltily smiled up at him.   
“So this might not be the best time but you’re looking well!” Jester said, fiddling with the hem of her skirts.   
“Not the best… Jester! We are stood in front of a serial killing henchman working for your ex fiancee and you think this is ‘not the best time’??”  
“She isn’t wrong.” Vindeus pointed out in an almost bored tone of voice.   
“You shut up! We’re still negotiating!” Fjord snarled as he pointed his sword at the half elf.   
Vindeus raised his hands in an innocent gesture and shrugged nonchalantly.   
“Just so long as we all remember why we’re here.” He said.   
“We haven’t forgotten.” Fjord answered as he helped Jester up from the floor and gently shooed her behind him.   
“You misunderstand, I believe.” The half elf said, sliding his hands to his front and placing them palm to palm. “My master does indeed loathe your existence, but he is no idiot.”  
“Could have fooled us.” Came Nott’s voice from the doorway.  
“My purpose here is to retrieve the reliquary. As much as I would like to repay you for locking me in the dungeons, I have a job to do. I also know that you have someone you care about who is in our… tender care.”  
“Two. We have two people.” Fjord was fighting to keep the snarl out of his voice.   
“Indeed. And yet, I am only able to discuss the possible release of one of our guests. The other is needed, for she is a useful vessel, being so close to our mutual friend’s kind of course.”  
“You’re more like that stinky butt face than my mother is!” Jester burst out from behind Fjord.   
“Be that as it may, I cannot bargain with her. It is your feathered friend for the item in question. No other offers will be available and this one will expire by the end of the day. Which gives you roughly five minutes.”  
Caleb’s hands were smouldering with magic flame as he watched the half elf. Nott had an arrow notched to her bow and Jester looked ready to fling herself at the enemy.   
The Inn creaked around Fjord as he tried to think, there had to be a way to get Jester’s mother out of there as well.   
Then he grinned.   
“So your boss would be pretty angry if you were to come back without this, right?”  
Vindeus lost his composure just enough for a look of distaste to flash across his features. “It doesn’t bear thinking about.” He replied.   
“So if I were to smash it, you’d be in a lot of trouble?” Fjord let his fingers loosen around the glass, watching the half elf’s eyes widen in shock as it twitched towards the floor.   
“Jumpy little bastard aren’t you?” He mocked, curling his fingers around the reliquary once more. “See I don’t foresee a huge amount of problems if we were to smash this here magical item. But you might find yourself facing some heavy punishment, am I right?”  
“What is your point?”  
“Well you asked us to choose if we wanted to save Erik or hold onto this thing. Now I’m giving you a choice in return. You can either choose to return Jester’s mother AND our bardic friend, or you can watch this reliquary get smashed to pieces and tell Lord Drylund how your little mission went.”  
Vindeus’ eyes flickered. “I will need time to see what my lord wishes to do.”  
“No.” Fjord said bluntly. “You choose now.”  
“Very well. I choose to win.”  
As the assassin drew a rapier from his belt, Fjord felt his hand being shoved roughly into the air, reliquary sailing out of it in a perfect arc that landed…. in mid air.   
With a shout of something arcane, Caleb waved a hand at the reliquary and a cat like creature was revealed.  
“Abraxas! To me!” Vindeus shouted as the creature leapt away from Fjord’s swiping grasp.   
Fjord swiped his falchion from his back in a wide arc, aiming at the tabaxi’s back and just slicing a hole in his cape.   
Jester called a large lollipop to appear behind Vindeus where it roundly smacked him upside the head, leaving the half elf to start cursing in sylvan.   
Caleb took advantage of the distraction to aim a sleeping spell at him but was knocked back by a counterspell.  
Vindeus hissed something at Caleb and caused vines to burst from the wooden flooring, wrapping him tightly around the hands and mouth as he struggled.   
The tabaxi, who had reached the door and its sentinel, Nott, immediately tried to wrestle the bow out of the goblin’s arms and was biting at her.   
Unfortunately for the tabaxi, goblins weren’t afraid to bite back and it was an even tussle between the two.   
A blur flashed in through the open window and aimed itself at Vindeus, who deflected it with his arm and pushed it away with a grunt of effort.   
The blur landed next to Fjord and solidified into the shape of Beau.   
“Hey Fjord!” she said casually as she spun her staff into an offensive position. “Surprise visit from your favourite girls!”  
“We are going to talk about that as soon as these assholes are finished!” Fjord barked, preparing to leap into the fray once more.   
Leaping towards the tabaxi fighting Nott in a feint, Fjord changed direction suddenly and swiped at the half elf, breaking his hold over the vines ensnaring Caleb and cutting a deep gash into his cheek.   
As the half elf turned with a snarled spell aiming at Fjord, Jester commanded her lollipop to smack against the assassins gut, knocking the wind out of him.   
Spluttering and fighting through the vines, Caleb hopped away from the evil duo, one leg still wrapped up by a particularly tenacious root.   
Vindeus tried to aim a spell at Jester, making her rock in place and start to wobble where she stood. “Shake it off Jester come on!” Fjord demanded as he tried to shake her back to wakefulness.   
Nott was still wrestling with Abraxas, but she had managed to catch one of the tabaxi’s ears between her teeth and was nearly pulling the tip away completely in her rage.   
Slipping past Vindeus, Beau used her staff to rap the cat creature smartly on the head, knocking him out.   
“Excuse you I had him!” Nott snarled.   
The half elf growled a curse as his eyes blackened. Fjord stepped in front of Jester to protect her from the coming hit when Caleb yelled “SCHLAFEN!”   
The spell seemed to dissolve back into the half elf as his eyes closed, his body slumped and he sank to the floor.   
“Quick! Tie the bastards up!” Nott shrieked, racing to the packs to find the group’s supply of rope.   
Fjord rounded on Jester and Beau with fire in his eyes. “What the hell are the two of you doing here??”  
A loud thumping from outside preceded the door being flung open and an outraged Rosene glaring at the chaos inside the room.   
“What in the bluest of blue hells are you all doing in here!?”


	4. Tuskless Lawfulness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone called the police! No firemen though, pity.

Thankfully for them, Beau could think on her feet.   
“Oh my gosh thank the gods you’ve come!!” She wailed, flinging the staff behind her where it clattered onto the bed.   
“They were trying to attack us!! Me and this poor innocent young woman!” Beau grabbed Jester by the shoulders and patted her cheek in a comforting manner as the tiefling blinked in surprise.   
Rosene arched an eyebrow as she glared around the now battered room. Her gaze lingered on Nott who was rapidly tying the half elf to the tabaxi and Caleb, who was trying to surreptitiously pull up a number of thick plants that had grown out of the floor.   
“And how exactly did you ladies get in here to be followed by these folks?”  
“Please Rosie, it’s my fault.” Fjord interrupted. “These women needed a place to stay and seeing as we knew them to be trustworthy gentlefolk we thought it would be no issue for them to stay in our room for the day and we would return afterwards. The gentleman you saw downstairs trying to contact us was this blonde haired asshole here in disguise. He’s a known abductor of women and young girls and he was hoping to snatch himself a couple of easy prizes with his little friend. We were just doing the right thing by trying to protect the victims but if you would like us to leave we will. We just ask that you find it in your heart to alert the crown’s guard before you let them loose in your fine establishment.”  
Rosene was still glaring, but as Fjord laid the charm on thick she couldn’t help her lips twitching at the corners.   
“If we’re to contact the crown’s guard they’ll be expecting a FULL statement! You lot had better stay in here together while I get help. And NO MORE breaking things!”  
“We promise, swear on our hearts ma’am!”  
Rosene pointed and eyed Fjord once more in warning, then stepped out to fetch the local law enforcement.   
“You guys that was wild!” Beau squeaked, arms wrapping around Jester with glee.   
“I really thought we were done for that time!” Jester said, giving a wide grin, which melted like a candle faced with a flamethrower when she saw the expression Fjord was making.   
“What in the hell were you two playing at following us like that? The whole reason I sent you to my parents was so you could be safe! And you end up right in the middle of this mess all over again? What is wrong with you?”  
“Hey back off Fjord.” Beau said, crossing her arms and glaring right back. “Jester wanted to make sure you guys wouldn’t die on us while we were separated and it was my idea to get Nott to turn her into the weasel.”  
“Wait, you were in on this?” Fjord’s gaze fell on the goblin woman, who had just finished tying the last knot in the rope surrounding the unconscious duo.   
“Don’t look at me! She had a very good point!”  
“Oh and what point is that? Let’s try to give Fjord an aneurysm!?”  
“No!” Jester snapped, stomping her foot a little on the floor. “My point was that if we are a group we should be together, not splitting up! That was a dumb idea even if it did save time Fjord. You need us and we need you and you should admit it already!”   
The half orc was silenced by that. “Jester… I wanted you to be safe. I needed to know that I wouldn’t have to worry about you while we did this part of the mission because, I mean…”  
He lapsed into silence and Jester looked at him with part sympathy, part affection and a large dollop of frustration.   
“Fjord, sweetheart. You need to understand something.”  
He turned to look at her and she smiled softly.   
“I could fucking break you like a twig.”  
Fjord blinked. He hadn’t expected that.   
“Uhhhhhh Right now?”  
Beau snorted a little behind Jester.   
“No not right now! But Fjord, I’m very strong! And I’m smart and I can do magic and honestly I can do lots of things to take care of myself. Don’t you think that you can trust me to take care of myself?”  
Fjord thought back to when they first met. “Well….”  
“Ok stop thinking. My point is that I can do a lot to protect myself, with you guys around me, Beau and Nott and Caleb, I am the most safest person ever because what I can’t do you guys are willing to help me with.”  
He couldn’t answer that one.   
“Telling me to go and hide with your parents because it’s safer is like me saying I don’t want you to get hurt so I will just have to take away your sword. Does that make you feel like you are able to do anything to help?”  
“I… ok no..but-”  
“And does it make you feel like you’re maybe being treated like a kid by some poopy head who just doesn’t want to consider you as a grown up who can kick some ass?”  
“I feel like that one was a little personal. But yeah alright, I get your point. I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to be at anymore risk and in doing so… I kind of ignored your wishes. I’m honestly sorry Jester, I’ll try to put more of my trust in you.”  
Jester grinned and Beau leaned forward over her shoulder before clearing her throat. “In all of us, you’re not alone here big guy.”  
Fjord looked over to where Caleb and Nott were watching the trio with amusement. “We do seem to work best in a group.” Nott pointed out, reaching up to hold Caleb’s hand.   
“And we all want to see Erik safe and sound back with us. ALL of us.” Jester added, taking Fjord’s hand in both of her own.   
He looked into her eyes and was amazed at the fluttery feeling that seemed to lift his entire being from the ground.   
Taking a breath to calm himself, he said “Ok. But if we’re going to help our friends together, we should ALL be together.”  
“We’re gonna get Caduceus and Yasha back?” Beau asked, grin rising on her face.   
“We are indeed.”   
The Nein cheered and whooped before shushing themselves swiftly as the sound of the crown’s guard entered the inn and started up to the room.  
As soon as they entered the Nein started the scene. Jester was clinging to Fjord and making sobbing noises into his chest as he patted her back. Nott was wearing a magic disguise to look like a halfling woman who was similarly clutching Caleb’s leg in a tight grip while he shushed her and patted her head.   
Beau stood over the captives, staff back in hand and ready to defend herself.   
“Thank you for coming here so quickly!” She said. “We just about managed to tie them up ourselves, they were trying to kidnap us!!”  
The guard captain gave Beau a funny look, but then peered at the room and the apparently distraught Jester before speaking.  
“So these villains, are they completely out of it or can we get their side of the story?”  
“Uhmmm.” Beau’s eyes flitted to her companions, Caleb gave a subtle nod and dropped to his knees to comfort Nott while hiding his hands from view, murmuring words into her ear..  
“Of course!” She told the armoured man. “We can just throw a little water on them and wake them up that way… I’m pretty sure? Yeah we’re sure.”  
The captain waited. “Well?”  
“Oh right, yeah! Sorry.”  
Beau leant her staff against a wall and grabbed the pitcher of water left in each of the inn’s rooms for patrons wanting a quick wash.   
With a forceful movement, she upended the pitcher onto the tabaxi’s head, causing them to splutter and cough to wakefulness.   
The guard went down on one knee, keeping a hand on his sword hilt as he asked “Well? What are you doing in these here rooms then?”  
The tabaxi’s eyes started to glare, then changed in a way that was so subtle, only those waiting for it registered the difference.   
Caleb continued to murmur into his friend’s ear, quietly enough that only Nott realised the words were the same ones coming from the tabaxi’s mouth.   
“We were hired to kidnap the tiefling girl, our master took an interest in her and wanted to kill her for his own gains. We were to bring her back untouched. My colleague here promised it would be an easy job and we would be rich afterwards. He said his master is a lord and that we would be greatly rewarded. There wasn’t supposed to be others with them.”  
The tabaxi lapsed into silence and the captain nodded. “Seems pretty clear to me. Steven, take them out to the cart and the rest of us will be right along. Do you lot need some sort of assistance? Some counselling of any kind?”  
“No thank you,” Fjord said, still stroking Jester’s shaking back. “Just knowing that these nefarious villains have been put away is enough for us. We’ll be going to stay with some friends after this in a safer location.”  
“Good plan, good thinking. Make sure you keep to the main roads and send a message back here should you wish to check in on your little friends.” Vindeus and Abraxas were being pulled down the stairs, the half elf still unconscious and the tabaxi walking stiffly.   
The result was that Vindeus was knocked about from side to side and along every other step. By the time he was dragged out of the doorway of the inn his long blonde hair was standing up every which way.   
“Can I at least trust you to not make any MORE messes?” Rosene asked, sounding exasperated as she watched the last of the crown’s guard leave.   
“It’s ok Rosie, I think we need to get on our way before anything else chases after us. We’ll uh, leave a little extra behind the bar before we leave. Cover some of the damage here.”  
“Well that would be greatly appreciated. Just you make sure these young ladies are calmed down before you go running off into the unknown. You’ve paid till tomorrow anyway.”  
Madame Rosene nodded curtly and went back downstairs to finish her work.   
Jester waited until her footsteps faded away before pulling away from Fjord’s chest and wiping her eyes.   
“Sorry for laughing Fjord, it was just so funny seeing those guys get told off!” With that, she burst into fresh peals of relieved laughter, quickly followed by the rest of the party.


	5. Tuskless Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone needs a quiet moment for some fluffy nonsense.... and goblin throwing

After that the group left the tavern in a carefully coordinated manner, Beau and Jester behind a concerned Fjord, Caleb and Nott scuttling out via the back door when everyone was looking in other directions.   
From there it was a matter of finding the right trader to get hold of a cart that could hold them all, their supplies and keep a little space for their friends whenever they joined them again.  
A draft horse named “Lord Wilberforce” was recruited to take the cart and the Nein along the roads and seemed perfectly content to allow Jester to treat it like a dearly beloved pet, twining ribbons in its mane every time the group stopped for a rest or to fill up their canteens with water.   
It was during one of these such stops when Beau revealed she had a few bottles of pilfered wine in her packs.   
“Where did you get that?” Jester gasped, looking both scandalised and very impressed.   
“They were just lying there where no one was watching!” The monk retorted, until she saw the dubious glances of the others. “Alright they were lying on a shelf in that tavern with the weird goliath guy, but I still maintain he owed me money!”  
“Well if they’re here now,” Fjord said, settling into a sitting position around the fire. “Might as well not let them go to waste!”  
Beau gave a whoop as she tossed one of the bottles to Fjord and pulled out another for Nott and Caleb to share.   
The wine was rich and flavourful, warming their insides as they sat and talked and laughed, letting the strain of worry fall from their minds for one night.   
The evening closed in as the group shared stories of their lives before they had found each other. Nott gave some accounts of life with goblins that caused the others to shudder and take deeper swigs from the bottles.   
Caleb talked of his time learning magic from teachers that had travelled the world and the wonders they had seen.   
Jester spoke of her mother and needed a moment to calm herself after recounting the story of one particularly stormy night when her mother had sung her a lullaby to keep her from being scared of the thunder.   
Fjord tried to lighten things up a little by talking about how his own family would entertain each other on nights like this with acrobatics, rambled stories and displays of skill from anyone who knew a trade or trick.   
This got everyone laughing until they remembered that the main entertainer of the caravan was Erik, causing the mood to become sombre again.   
“Beau, did you ever learn any monk tricks? Like acrobatic leaps and things?” Nott asked, having drunk enough that she was buzzed but very much still aware.   
The others were worse for wear in various ways, with Caleb swaying where he sat, Beau being unable to keep still and Jester snuggling up very close with a much redder faced Fjord.  
“Alright! Alright! Alright!” Beau announced, holding her hands up as if to silence everyone who was watching her quietly.   
“I will totally, do some… like, really hot and amazing stuff for you -urp- that I learned in the cub-the cul- monk school. I jus’... I gotta… ok, watch this shit.” With a moment of concentration she looked towards the horizon and seemed to become sober for a moment as she took a breath and suddenly leapt into the air, feet flying over her head in a twirling somersault that saw her land neatly in a small puff of dust in practically the same spot she’d started in.   
The others whistled and applauded as she raised her arms and grinned with slightly crossed eyes at her achievement.  
“Do a show! Put on a show!” Jester cried, clapping her hands.   
“Oh my gods we could totally do a whole act and make like, money and stuff!” Beau gasped as though she had just discovered the secret to the universe.  
“We should totally do that!” Nott screeched with joy as she skipped towards Beau.   
Caleb, who had been leaning on her, slowly fell sideways into the dirt where he burbled happily to himself for the rest of the night.   
“C’mere, let me try and juggle you while I do my flips!” Beau said eagerly, holding out her arms to the teetering goblin.   
Jester giggled at the friends as they chattered happily about how awesome they were going to look and how much money they were going to make.   
“It’s nice to see them having fun.” She said, a genuinely happy smile gracing her lips for the first time in a long while.  
“We all deserve that.” Fjord said, watching her eyes as they danced in the firelight. “I’m sorry we can’t relax like this more, I promise as soon as everyone is home, we’ll do whatever you guys want. You name it.”  
“Fjord you don’t have to worry about that, you already do so much for us.”  
“I know but, I kind of feel like it’s my bad planning that got us all so stressed out.”  
“Noo Fjord. This is the fault of that evil piece of shit who brought a demon into the world just so he can make money. As if money is so important, I mean yes it pays for clothes and food and places to stay and stuff but when all that’s paid for what’s the point?”  
“You know you really sound like your mother’s daughter sometimes.”   
“Thank you Fjord. You know, I can see why your mother married your father. You are very charming like him.”  
“Aw now you’re just flattering me.”  
“No I really mean it! You’ve done so much for all of us and you’re still here and you’re so lovely and stuff.”  
“Well I mean it’s easy to be lovely when you’re in…” Fjord caught Jester’s gaze as her eyes widened in surprise, then closed a little as she grinned wickedly.  
“Er…” Fjord began, desperate to save his dignity. “I mean, I love the way you, the look of… I love… your… um-”  
Without preamble, Jester placed a hand on the back of Fjord’s head and pulled him in for a deep, passionate kiss.   
Fjord leaned into her and kissed back, trying to convey everything he was too nervous to say with words.   
They broke apart when Nott landed next to them with a thud and a yelp.   
“That’s not going to impress anyone!” She yelled to a staggering Beau. “Throw me higher!”   
As Nott raced off, Fjord looked askance at Jester. “Should we…?”  
“Nah,” she replied. “Let them have their fun, we should make our own.”  
So saying, Jester stood up and offered a hand to Fjord, who took it and walked with her through the trees to a moonlit pool with mossy banks.   
It was a warm night and the pool was pleasantly cold to the touch as Jester removed her shoes and dipped her feet neatly into it. Fjord followed suit and sighed at the cool sensation.   
Jester leaned over and rested her head on his shoulder, gazing up at the stars.   
“They’re so beautiful all the way up there,” she murmured after a while. “No cares in the world beyond twinkling. We must look like tiny dots to them.”  
“Lucky stars, they can stay out of our problems…. and judge.”  
Jester elbowed him in the in side. “They’re not judging us silly!”  
“They totally are! Look at that one, he’s practically saying ‘can you believe that guy? It’s been ten minutes and he hasn’t even tried to kiss her yet!’”  
The blue tiefling giggled again. “And why haven’t you?”  
“Because… because I think I need to talk honestly with you.”  
“Oh?”  
“Yeah. I don’t think I’ve been following you on this little quest because we’re friends. I think.. Well I know, it’s because I’ve fallen for you. Hard.”  
Jester covered her mouth with a delicate hand. “I make you fall hard do I Fjord?”  
“You make a lot of things hard if I’m honest Jester.”  
She leaned in and let her lips stop just short of brushing against his. “So why don’t you show me?”  
The stars watched as she leaned in. Whether they were judging or not, the lovers didn’t really give a damn. 

What is your obsession with stars in this one?

I wanted a callback to his parents, plus it’s funny, you know… judgy stars

When have you ever seen a star look ‘judgy’?

That time we went on our honeymoon and I showed you the bulette trick and….wow! I didn’t know you could turn THAT shade of red! 

Yes, well… hush! Or else we’ll never get this finished you scoundrel.

I could show you the Waterdeep handshake later if you like too.

No! …….alright later but book first!!


	6. Tuskless Spanner in the Works

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New plans to be made! Nothing ever went wrong with new plans, also a mention of a cleric-y person who is probably obvious to work out. 
> 
> This one was written with the help of my cats who have become obsessed with my laptop lately. 
> 
> If you see a random smattering of punctuation I missed, that's Wilfred Bongos and Jayne saying hello

After a long morning of copious water drinking and groaning at the state of their various hangovers, the members of the Mighty Nein gathered their things and discussed where to aim for so they could reconnect with their missing friends.   
“Surely we’d need to be far away?” Beau said, gnawing on some bacon she’d secreted in her pocket. “I mean, the further we are the harder we are to hit right?”  
“Maybe.” Fjord agreed, taking a sip of coffee from his travelling mug, one shoulder being leaned on by a very happy Jester. “But it’ll be harder for us to deal with anything he sends after us as well. Lord Drylund has minions across Faerun, we just have our merry little band. If we start trying to recruit people to help us we’re just going to put targets on our backs and put Erik and Jester’s mother in even more danger.”  
“If we are looking to get closer without being too obvious I have a suggestion in that case.” Caleb said, raising his hand.   
The others turned attentively to listen to the wizard as he cleared his throat and started to speak.  
“Traditionally speaking, the next door neighbour to Yartar is Triboar. The two places have never been, as you might say, breast buddies.”  
“I think you mean bosom buddies Caleb.” Nott pointed out.   
“I like his phrasing better.” Beau smirked.   
Anyway,” Caleb continued. “Although the two are very close together they share no love. If we were to be undetected by folks in Yartar and look for possible allies I think we would do best to go there.”  
The group thought over the other options available. Caleb’s suggestion was the best by far, although Jester did make a fairly impassioned argument for the chance to become ‘professional unicorn hunters’.  
“We could tell everyone we were a real business and we need to go looking through their gardens for evidence.” She said as they travelled along, the wagon trundling easily over the smooth roads towards Triboar.   
“And the best part is, if we actually found a unicorn, it would help our story AND we could ride it!”  
“I don’t think I see one part of that plan that isn’t perfect!” Nott said, eyes glittering with excitement.   
“I don’t think I see one part of that plan that makes a lick of sense.” Fjord said, feeling a headache coming on as he tried to work out the machinations of Jester’s thought process.   
“It makes total sense Fjord!” The tiefling protested as she added to the flower crown she’d made for Nott. “All we need to worry about is whether or not we find unicorns, which is always possible and the rest is just us saying the right things to people to let them know we need to look through their homes while we actually leave evidence that Lord Drymouth is an asshole.”  
“I still think you’re missing the point of the-”  
“Guys! Up ahead, we have company.” Caleb interrupted. He was holding the horse’s reins with his magical cat curled around his neck but he slowed them down to observe the two figures waving at passing travellers, looking for a lift.   
“Should we stop?” Beau asked from her position next to Caleb.   
“Probably better if we don’t risk it, do they look like they might be trouble?” Fjord asked.   
“Hard to say from this far. Let me just stand a little, sorry Caleb. Ok, There’s two of them… Pretty tall, maybe part giant? I dunno how trustworthy that makes ‘em. Ugggh colour schemes are grey for one, green for the other… actually no there’s a little pink and OH MY GODS!! STOP THE CART!”  
“It’s practically stopped already.” Caleb grumbled, tugging on the reins again anyway.   
The two figures raised their arms in thanks before moving towards them. They walked quickly at first, then they recognised the faces in the cart and hurried to move faster.   
Those riding watched idly until the strangers came further into their line of sight, then the reactions were loud and immediate.   
“YASHA! CADUCEUS!!!” The whole team fell out of the wagon and raced to meet their companions, Caduceus quickly becoming covered by Nott and Jester while Beau simply launched herself into Yasha’s arms princess style.  
“Miss me?” She asked the larger woman as she wrapped her arms around her neck.   
“Of course,” Yasha replied. “I missed all of you.”  
“Oh.”  
“But especially you.” Yasha confirmed, leaning her head down to give Beau a peck on her cheek and making the monk grin happily.   
“We’re so happy to have you guys back!” Jester said as Caduceus wrapped his arms around her and squeezed her gently.   
“It’s really great to see you all again too. We’re really glad to see you doing alright.” Caduceus released both the tiefling and the goblin and stood up straight again, reaching for the knapsack hanging from his shoulders.   
“We brought a little something back with us that we think will be very useful.”  
Rummaging around, Caduceus produced a straw hat, which he plonked on Nott’s head. A book that he passed to Jester, who immediately started to thumb through it with a giggle and something made out of a silvery metal that surrounded the reliquary.   
“You brought it back?” Fjord asked, suddenly wary.   
“It’s not as bad as you think.”The firbolg continued, weighing the item in his hands. “This is a safety mechanism that a good old cleric buddy of mine set up. She imbued this silvery part with some Sarenrae magic that will be activated as soon as something tries popping into or out of this thing. Effectively if the demon tries to chill inside its old house the whole shebang will be destroyed, leaving the jerk floating loose for hopefully long enough to finish it off once and for all with some light based magic. My little friend was kind enough to teach me a few tricks there too.”  
“That’s amazing, whoever this girl is someone needs to tell her she’s a genius!”   
Caduceus chuckled. “Maybe when all this is over you can tell her yourself.”  
“Is she in Triboar?” Jester asked, flushed face peeking up from the book. “If she is we can say hi as we come in.”  
“Triboar?” Yasha asked sharply. “You were heading there?”  
“Well, yeah. Fjord thought it was close enough to Yartar for us to kick Lord Dry skin’s ass before he knows where we went.”  
“It’s also unexpected.” Fjord confirmed. “We’d be heading towards danger rather than away which he won’t see coming and seeing as Triboar and Yartar don’t exactly get along we should be fairly safe.”  
Yasha and Caduceus looked at each other. Solemnly, Yasha placed Beau on her feet and reached into a pocket for a scroll.   
“It’s a very good idea,” she said, unfurling it. “Except for this.”  
Drawn in a careful hand was a picture of Jester, with the words “REWARD, 500 GOLD” above it. Underneath was a proclamation stating “Reward offered for the safe return of the maiden Jester to her mother, the Ruby of the Sea and her beloved fiance Lord Drylund. Kidnapped by a medley of bandits including a halfling, firbolg, three humans and a half orc. The criminals may be killed on sight, approach with caution and alert the local guards where possible. Do not trust these kidnappers, they are armed and dangerous.”


	7. Tuskless Poster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remember kids, Libel is when it's written down. Slander is when it's spoken.

“What are we going to do now?” Beau asked, throwing her hands into the air in frustration. “We were so close to being done with this crap and he pulls this stunt?!”  
“I’m going to switch his face with his ass and see if anyone notices, that humongous poo face!” Jester snarled, glaring at her face in print. “They couldn’t even be bothered to get my horns right! That makes me look like a goat!”  
“Your bad representation is the least of our worries.” Fjord said, hanging back with Caleb while the others wondered how best to destroy the libellous poster.   
“Caleb, do you have any thoughts on this?” The half orc asked, leaning in to the scruffy wizard.   
“I think it is a pretty good sign.” He answered. “If he is resorting to getting the whole country involved then that is a very good chance that he is worried about the loss of his henchman. Before he was trying to set up his pieces before going full tyrant lord but this suggests he is going to go for the big catapults.”  
“I agree, that also suggests we might be a source of worry for him. Surely we should look into how we can press our advantage then?”  
“I would agree, but we should do so in the right way. Maybe we should look at this item Caduceus was given.”  
“You do that, I’m going to talk with the others about how to disguise ourselves a little while we’re in this area.”  
Fjord interrupted the discussion between the others just as Nott said “And THEN we shove it so hard inside that he has to find a healer to pull it out again!”  
“Not that this isn’t fascinating,” he said. “But we do need to work out how we’re going to get through the town without having an army of pitchforks and torches coming at us.”  
“Why don’t we just sneak in through the sewers again?” Beau argued. “It worked for us once it could work again.”  
“That was when Caleb and I knew where we were going.” Nott pointed out.  
“There’s a point, Caduceus? Could you speak to Caleb for me while we go through some ideas?” Fjord pointed towards the wizard who was looking through a book he’d secreted under his coat as he kicked dirt over the embers of the fire to put it out completely.   
“Sure thing Fjord, by the way, I can go invisible if you need me to.” With that cryptic message, the large firbolg ambled away.   
“Well that’s one of us dealt with.” Fjord murmured in an impressed voice.   
“What about the rest of us oh fearless leader?” Beau drawled, resting her arms on her staff as it lay across her shoulders.   
“For the rest of us, we need disguises, ones that don’t have a time limit and that we can keep wearing even if someone tries to remove magical disguises we might be wearing.”  
“OOH! Do I get to be someone’s wife again? That was fun last time.” Jester giggled.   
“Possibly, I do like the idea of us wearing physical disguises as opposed to magical ones, they’re harder to pull off from a distance and if they’re good enough we can fool most people out looking for us. So now comes the awkward part, does anyone have anything that could work as a disguise for any of the rest of us?”  
Thus followed the strangest game of scavenger hunting that any of them had ever taken part in. Packs were opened up to find whatever form of makeup or scrap of cloth could be used to hide each other where possible, any vegetation nearby was scoured for berries that could be mashed into some kind of pigment and experiments were performed with sticks and mud that were best not talked about.   
Eventually, the group had managed to make a fairly impressive lineup, different to what they had been before.   
Fjord was dressed in a couple of pelts that Caduceus had been carrying just in case and used them to make himself look like a barbarian, conveniently covering almost all of his green skin as long as he kept his head down and crossed his arms. This being the common way for most barbarians to behave he felt confident in his acting abilities.   
Nott shed her porcelain mask and tugged her clothes into more of a tattered shape to look as goblin like as possible. With a rope gently tied around her neck she looked every bit the barbarian’s latest acquisition from a recent hunt.   
Beau let her bun of hair down and used a spare wig Jester had kept from her last dressing up attempt to hide her original hair colour. With the two girls swapping clothes as well Beau looked more like a flirty damsel than a dangerous monk and played it up to make Jester laugh.   
Yasha was kept in her furred clothes, but Caduceus borrowed some makeup to make her nose look more like his, then used some brown leaves to make firbolg-like ears.   
“That’s one less human and one more firbolg, even less like what the poster said.” He pointed out.   
Jester found a number of reeds poking out of the stream nearby and in a moment of genius picked enough to make a green wig out of them. Carefully twisting them together in a vague ponytail shape, it hid her own hair beautifully. Then she took three tubes of lip paint from a makeup kit she still had on her and covered her face and hands until she looked almost as red as her mother. Caduceus announced that he would pretend to be Yasha’s brother until he needed to hide or they needed to sneak somewhere, when he would become invisible and Caleb took a hearty handful of dirt and smeared it over himself, returning to his original look of a beggar.   
Once prepared, the group looked each other over. Fjord eyed everyone keenly before finally nodding in approval.   
“I think we just might have a shot with this.” He said. “Everyone looks pretty darn good!”  
“I think a frog is in my hair.” Jester grumbled, fidgeting at her wig.”  
“We’ll just have to put up with all these discomforts for now, we need to move on to phase two of this plan.”  
“What phase is that?” Beau asked.   
“It’s the one where we get ourselves a boat.”


	8. Tuskless Cameo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My own DND group joins the story for a moment to allow the Mighty Nein to sneak into Yartar....which couldn't possibly have any bad consequences.... all to plan... honest.

Sorry about your grandma Dill. 

Well, it is what it is. 

And in her will she left you…?

My new shoes. Yes. 

The ones with wolves painted on them?

She was a woman of particular taste Poltroon!

Right, right, yes. She was a very…. interesting woman. 

Damn right. 

Would you like to get back to writing? Are you sure you’re ready for a bit more?

I think I’d like that, yes. 

Alright then, now when we left off they were going over their options which were….

“Option one,” Caduceus said, consulting a hastily scribbled list. “We trade for the boat, pros- we get a boat and don’t have to worry about Lord Wilberforce. Shouldn’t she be Lady Wilberforce?”  
“She’s learned her name.” Nott pointed out. “We can’t change it now, she’ll get confused!”  
“Fair enough. Cons- No more ribbons in horsie’s mane.”  
“It’s a tragedy to style!” Jester said.   
“Option two, steal a boat. Pros- free boat. Cons- Become cons. Oh that’s clever, I never even realised that one was wordplay! Ha!”  
“We’re not risking the law after us as well as demon powers.” Fjord interrupted. “Next choice ‘Duceus.”  
“Ok, Option three. Trick someone into letting us borrow their boat. Isn’t that kind of the same as option two?”  
“Only if we don’t return it,” Beau countered. “If we at least make an effort to bring it back then it’s all good right?”  
Yasha cleared her throat and said “I think it only counts as borrowing if you actually return what you borrowed to the original owner. If they don’t get it back then I’m pretty sure that still counts as stealing.”  
“Oh man, I have a lot of annoyed people to speak to on the way home.”   
“There is one last option,” Caduceus interjected. “Someone suggested we make our own boat. The pros to this are that we aren’t stealing anything, there’s nothing to return and we don’t have to give up the horse and cart if we don’t want to.”  
“That sounds pretty good.” Caleb nodded. “What was the in the con list?”  
“None of us know how to build a boat.”  
“Ah. Of course.”  
“Much as I hate to disappoint Jester I would have to say that trading for a boat is the best idea.” Fjord suggested, letting his hand rest comfortingly on her shoulder as if to soften the blow.   
“Yeah I find myself agreeing with you there Fjord.” Beau said, crossing her arms.   
The others all murmured in assent until Jester sighed and threw her hands in the air.   
“Ok fine, but we have to find someone who will take REALLY good care of her ok you guys?”  
Everybody spoke up about how they were going to find the best most hose-affectionate person they possibly could before they even considered the trade.   
Thus placated, Jester helped vet the passing boats to find their perfect vessel.   
It was close to midday when a small schooner passed by.   
On the deck were two human twins with very unusual hair colours, a blond dwarf waving a trident and apparently shouting at the fish in the river and a red tiefling with purple hair, serenading anyone who would listen about hedgehogs and sodomy.   
“Ahoy there!” Fjord called, waving to the crew.   
“Ahoy and aye aye to you too bosun!” The dwarf called back. “Good to see some fellow sea bearing folk about!”  
The human with vibrant pink hair snorted as she juggled a dagger from one hand to another. The other human with sea green hair rolled their eyes and continued grooming a large raven sat in their lap.   
“I don’t know about sea faring to be honest, but we were looking to join the river traffic if you’d be willing to trade us your boat for this fine horse and cart.”  
“Oooh horse! She’s so pretty!” So saying the tiefling leapt from her spot on the deck and aimed for shore with a backflip that landed in a rough belly flop on the grass.  
“Sorry about her, she’s a bard.” The pink haired human drawled.   
Leaping up, the tiefling put out a hand for the horse to smell and politely breathed into the mare’s nostrils. When she was satisfied with this, the tiefling reached into a patterned bag at her side and offered Lord Wilberforce an apple from it.   
“What kind of trade were you looking for from us?” The dwarf asked as he leaped onto the shore beside his companion, landing neatly on his feet.   
“A straight trade would be easiest for us,” Fjord offered “But if you had any terms you wished to state we can consider them.”  
“I’ve never done anything straight in my life!” The pink haired human snickered as she passed by.   
“One hundred gold!” The dwarf demanded.   
“Uh… we do not have a hundred gold.”  
“One gold!”   
Behind the dwarf, the pink haired human slapped a hand to her forehead and angrily held up five fingers behind his head, mouthing “Fifty gold!” To Fjord with eyes that threatened a lot of violence.   
“I… well, okay then.”  
“Perfect, we have a deal!”  
So saying, the dwarf spat on his hand and offered it for a shake.   
A little disgusted, Fjord spat in his own palm and gave the dwarf his very squishy handshake.   
“Sage! Evan! We’re switching to the roads a little early, I got us a great deal on a horse!”  
“Fuck this boat we’ve got a horse outside.” The pink haired human quipped as she somersaulted to the ground. The other human politely waited on deck until the other members of the Mighty Nein could help them set up a gangplank between the grassy shore and the boat and gave them a quick rundown of where everything was before they joined their companions.   
As soon as they were down, the human holding the raven stepped towards the horse and murmured into its ear, earning a happy whinny and a head rub as they scritched the mare’s neck.   
Fjord turned to the last of his own party, Jester, who was talking with the red tiefling about the horse’s care.  
“So if you want to change the name I suppose you can do that although she really likes it now because she always makes happy noises when I call her and when I have carrots.”  
“I would never change her name, Ilike Lord Wilberforce for a girl. I’ve got a weasel called Wilfred Bongos too!”  
“Really? I was a weasel for a while!”  
“That’s so cool!”  
“I know right?”  
Fjord cleared his throat. “Uh Jester? We need to get moving.”  
“Awww ok. Bye Lord Wilberforce, I’ll miss you.”  
The blue tiefling planted a small kiss on the horse’s forelock, then blinked as the re tiefling took a lock of the horse’s mane and tied it neatly into a bow before handing it to her.  
“In case you get the chance to scry on her, this’ll let you see how she’s doing.” She said with a smile. “It was lovely to meet you Jester.”  
“You too Xanthia, good luck with the giants and everything.”  
“Good luck murdering your evil ex fiancee!”  
With a few more waves and goodbyes, Fjord managed to separate the tieflings and lead Jester onto the boat.  
As the pushed out into the middle of the wide river, Fjord leaned down to her and asked “How much did you tell that random stranger about us?”  
“Nothing that would cause us any trouble Fjord, I promise.”  
“Uh huh?”  
“Yup. Oh and by the way Xanthia says that sometimes demons can be killed quicker if you have something that gives off light. Especially if it’s a holy weapon.”  
“How would she know about holy weapons? I thought she was a bard!”  
“Yeah, but she also created a goddess. She’s so cool! She’s the goddess of beauty and she likes makeup and she can make anyone look pretty and-”  
Fjord felt his eyes glaze over as Jester chattered away.   
The Breeze pushed the Mighty Nein along the river, towards Yartar where the demon awaited.


	9. Tuskless Boat Ride

Yartar bustled with people from all around Faerun.  
The posters had been a stroke of genius for Lord Drylund but it did have some added complications.   
Any city that wanted to stay on good terms with Yartar felt the need to send their ‘top men’ to assist in the rescue of the damsel in distress.   
Unfortunately for him, the men in question (being less top than their lords and masters suggested) brought their entourage with them.   
This meant that Yartar was now temporary home to several families of varying size and wealth class.   
For Lord Drylund, who had spent a lot of time and effort in getting rid of anyone not militarily inclined, it was a necessary evil that was also bloody infuriating.   
Standing at his bedchamber window and cradling a glass of wine in one hand, he looked out over the suddenly chaotic bustle of his city.   
“Do you think that they really need so many children running around?” He asked over his shoulder.  
“My lord?” Asked the dwarven maid who was changing his bed sheets behind him.   
“I mean, some of those families down there… they have five children. Five! Surely they wouldn’t miss a couple if we got a longbow and just-”  
Lord Drylund stopped as he realised the bustling noises behind him had stopped. Turning, he saw the maid gaping at him in horror.   
“Oh stop that! You know I wouldn’t do anything like that!” He guffawed in what he probably thought was a light hearted manner.   
The maid chuckled nervously and fought to finish the sheets in record time before scurrying out of the room.   
Lord Drylund sipped his wine and glared at the families moving below.   
“Crossbow might be better from this height.” He mused. “Fire then duck away before any witnesses spot you.”  
The door rattled as someone on the other side knocked smartly for entrance.   
“Enter!” The scowling lord said imperiously as he put down his wine glass.   
The captain of the guard entered and bowed neatly to his master. “My lord, we found them. The kidnappers and your wife to be.”  
“At last!”

A short while earlier…

The wind caused the sail of the boat to flutter rhythmically in the wind, the sound of the calm summer afternoon broken only by the sound of Fjord’s sharp voice calling “Nott! Which rope did you untie? This godsdamn cloth thing’s going all over the place!”  
To say that the Mighty Nein were having a trouble free voyage would be a gross understatement. There had been a number of mishaps, several shenanigans and one event which almost caused the boat to tip over.   
Somehow, they had limped into Yartar’s waterways and were making their way along the canal routes slowly as they attempted to learn the basics of docking a boat while trying to dock their boat.   
It was going about as well as could be expected.   
“I am never going to get the smell of fish off of me, why did they have so many barrels of mackerel?” Beau growled, fed up and desperate to get back on a surface that didn’t move under her feet.   
“It could be worse. Imagine if we had barrels of that miserable little lord on here with us?” Caleb quipped.   
“If it were one lord and he was in bits we could have a decent supply of rations for the next week!” Nott squeaked as she tried to attach two pieces of rope that were three inches too short to tie together.   
“Focus everyone!” Fjord barked. “We’re almost at the dock….thingy.”  
It was true, docks were coming up fast and there was already a handful of boats either settling in or setting out, leaving minimal room for error.   
“We’ll just have to take our chances and see how much we’ve learned I guess.” Caduceus said as he swayed easily on the deck in time with the water’s rocking.   
“I don’t think this is the best way to learn sailing.” Yasha grumbled as she tried to steer the boat away from the buoy it was threatening to plow over.   
A group of wandering people stopped to watch the erratic movements of the boat from the shore as it started to get close to its destination.   
“Look those people are pointing at us,” Jester called gleefully. “Hi guys!”  
“Stop waving Jester and help me with this sail!” Fjord yelped as he was smacked in the face by a loose corner of the cloth.   
“Uh, guys?” Yasha called over her shoulder.   
“But they look so happy! Look at those guys laughing!” Jester giggled.   
“Guys?” Yasha called again, louder this time.   
“Oh man I knocked a barrel over!” Beau said with disgust.   
“GUYS!” Yasha snapped loudly, turning her head to glare at her offending cremates.  
“What?” Fjord called back, finally holding the sailcloth firm enough to stop it from hitting him.  
“How do we stop this thing?”   
“Why do you ask?”  
“Well there’s a boat coming towards us and I turned so we won’t hit it but now we’re going to smash into that pole just ahe-”  
a loud CRUNCH shook the entire deck as the aforementioned pole scraped against the timbers of the boat and started to slice a neat hole into the hull thanks to a previous boat snapping enough off the end of the pole to create a sharp deterrent to would be sailors who didn’t know how to stop before reaching the docks.  
The deck juddered and danced underneath the Nein as they fought to keep themselves from crashing into each other.   
Various helpful comments were flung the boat’s way by the people on the shore as the crowd swelled to watch the sudden entertainment.   
“We’ve got to move it away from the pole!” Fjord grunted as he fought his way over to the steering wheel and helped Yasha wrench it to one side, freeing the boat with a last crackle of splintering wood.   
A cheer went up from the watching crowd as the ship started to inch into place next to one of the jetties.   
“We’re doing fine,” Fjord said in mild disbelief. “We’re gonna make it!”  
A bubbling sound became louder and louder as the height of the jetty rose higher and higher.   
“Umm.” Nott quavered. “I don’t know a lot about boats, but I think we’re sinking.”  
“Aww crap. EVERYONE ABANDON SHIP!” Fjord roared, loudly enough for the audience on shore to hear, causing a second resounding cheer to erupt.   
“You’re not helping!” Nott yelled, clambering up to Caleb’s head and perching there.   
“We’ll have to swim for it,” Jester called. “There’s a thingy that leads into the water over there, that stone thingy!”  
There was indeed a slipway that was mercifully free of boats and no more than a short paddle away for someone Caduceus’ size.   
Nott trembled on top of Caleb’s head.   
“It will be alright little one,” the wizard said reassuringly. “Just hold onto me and keep your eyes closed, I will get us to shore.”   
“I’ll stay close to you two.” Caduceus added. “Any issues I can float pretty well.”  
“All ashore who’s going ashore!” Beau yelled, rushing past the others and leaping over the edge of the boat in a swan dive.   
The others peered over just as Beau entered the water with barely a ripple, then resurfaced a few feet away making for the slipway at a strong pace.   
“Our turn next, now or never Nott!” Caleb warned before throwing himself and the terrified goblin overboard.  
As soon as they were swimming, Caleb putting in the work and Nott clinging to whatever part of him she could reach, Caduceus lowered himself into the water after them.   
“Then there were two.” Yasha quipped as she leapt after the others.   
“See you there Fjord, no drowning ok?” Jester leaned over to give him a kiss on the cheek before hopping into the water herself, holding her nose as she did so.   
The shore folk were helping Beau make her way to dry land and encouraging the others along.   
Meanwhile, the boat was sinking rapidly to the point where Fjord wouldn’t even need to leap to make it to the water.   
“Please don’t let there be secret sea monsters in there…” He quietly prayed to whatever god was listening as he hopped into the cold water.   
Almost immediately, his eyes stung at the feeling of less than pure water hitting them and he instinctively squeezed his eyelids shut.   
Aiming in the direction he was sure the others had gone, he began moving his arms like pistons and kicking hard with his legs.   
He could hear shouts and directions being yelled from the folks on shore but his ears were filled with even more of the gross river city water.   
Jester’s voice broke through the wall of sound. “Not that way Fjord! You’re going to-”  
A harsh thud to the crown of his head stopped Fjord short. He put out a hand and carefully opened his eyes to see that he has swam right next to the slipway and smacked his head against the wall next to it.   
A few people laughed at Fjord’s struggle to climb up and out. It was still pretty deep here and he didn’t have the leverage he needed to pull himself out.   
“Here Fjord, let me help.” Jester said as she reached down and grabbed him under the armpits.   
A giggle went through the crowd as they hoped to see the tiefling fall in as well but then Jester straightened up, bringing a sopping Fjord up like a cat that had gotten into a hole.   
“There you go Fjord! Safe and sound.” She said with a cheerful grin as she neatly settled him on the walkway next to her.   
“Thanks… I think.” He said, brushing water off himself and noticing a red puddle on the floor. Had one of them been hurt?  
Looking into Jester’s face, he saw her normal hair tousled around her features and the blue of her skin showing through the washed-away red.   
As he turned he saw a number of guards looking their way and before he could say or do anything one of the men had caught Jester’s arm and said “Hey! It’s you, the kidnapped girl!”  
Jester’s breath hitched in surprise, her eyes flickering to Fjord with urgency.  
“Remember the plan.” He warned.   
Jester nodded.   
Looking quickly around at the others, he confirmed that they had noticed the commotion and were ready to act.   
Turning back to the guards, Fjord threw both his hands high into the air.  
“We surrender!”


	10. The Tuskless Child

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today's title has been brought to you by an Eddie Murphy movie from the eighties that I grew up with. I imagine Fjord's grin in this chapter as being very similar to the one Eddie gave as they both explained the plan to their nemeses.   
> Also I couldn't think of an idea for how to get close to your enemy without letting them get hold of a world-wnding item that topped this movie's idea so I blatantly stole it for my own ends.   
> Although I did feature Steve the scribe, a side character who probably went on to start his own adventuring group and ended up in a much more interesting storyline.

Drylund arrived just as the guards were closing ranks around the Mighty Nein. The once enthusiastic crowd now dispersed from the area at the first sign of trouble.   
“Alright captain!” He barked, clapping his hands together firmly. “I’ll take the prisoners from here.”  
He waved the palace guards forward but was astonished when the captain held out his own hand and halted the men.   
“There’s an issue my lord.”  
“Issue? What issue? They’re criminals! They stole what’s her face, my fiancee. Just bring them along behind me or something I don’t care how they’re moved.”  
The captain gave the water baron a glare that would have melted anyone less pompous.   
“The issue ‘sir’ is that they’ve confessed to a few other crimes as well.”  
“Fantastic! Let’s drag them off to the stocks and chop their heads off and I’ll-”  
“It’s not that simple sir, they’ve confessed to a LOT of crimes, some of which we’ll need to speak to the original victims for and some that involve organised gangs.”  
“Yes yes they’re brutes, the lot of them. Why exactly does that mean I can’t take them away now?”  
“Because we’ll need to go over what they’ve done, how they’ve done it and where they’ve left the spoils of their work.”  
“Well alright then, get on with it! How long could it take?”  
“Well considering the list we have so far of their confessions, the nature of your fiancee’s involvements and who she was working with as well as the promise of leads to other crimes…”  
The captain consulted the sheaf of papers in his hand briefly. “We’re looking at about three years give or take.”  
Lord Drylund spluttered as his face turned a myriad of colours. “Three YEARS?!”  
“Give or take. They’ve confessed to crimes that affect many of the local cities, including those kind enough to lend us some men. So to ignore this lot for the sake of expediency would leave you with some very powerful enemies indeed. I would recommend playing the long game here sir, we can get some really high level crimes wrapped up and resolved before our kids are grown!”  
Lord Drylund clutched at his hair, which shifted dangerously on his head, before hissing “Could I have a word with my once-beloved and her minions?”  
“Of course sir. Take your time, we’ll be here a while.”  
Grimacing a smile at the last few watchers who were staying close in the hopes of an encore, the water baron snatched at Jester’s arm and pulled her sharply aside.   
“What in the bluest of blue hells do you think you’re playing at?” He hissed through gritted teeth.   
“I don’t know what you could possibly be referring to.” Jester replied with a sweeping gesture as she retrieved her arm. “All enquiries must go through my party planner and business partner.”  
As she said the word ‘partner’, Jester grinned and winked at Lord Drylund in a way that left no doubt about what she meant.   
“This isn’t over between you and me.” Raising his voice again, he called out to Fjord. “You! Half breed, come and explain the meaning of this farce!”  
“Gladly.” Fjord grinned, ambling over to Lord Drylund as slowly and casually as he could get away with before halting at a close distance, looming over the shorter man.   
Face wobbling as he tried to balance his fear of being hit with his desire to regain control, Drylund stuck his hands on his hips and asked “Well? What is your little game now then?”  
“I am so very glad that you asked me that!” Fjord replied with a happy smile. “See, we just so happen to be revealing ourselves as criminal masterminds to your quite excellent captain of the guard. He really is a thorough man isn’t he? Se he wants to take us into custody and go through all of our plans, both current and future. He also wants to go through all of our possessions and keep those as evidence. Did you know he is especially suspicious of anything with magic around it? He’s just can’t wait to wrap a little label around it saying ‘exhibit A’ or the like and tuck it away nice and safe and oh so legal. Just imagine how long that evidence will sit there while we wait for trial? And with so many of the neighbouring towns and cities helping out your own guardsmen don’t you think they’ll want to see everything being done in just the right way? I know I would. It would really look very suspicious if I didn’t wouldn’t it?”  
Fjord was downright grinning at the smaller man now, teeth glinting from between his lips.   
“I suppose it would look…. suspicious if I were to try and retrieve my property now wouldn’t it?” Lord Drylund ground out.   
“If I were a lord and saw a neighbour pulling something like that with a rare magical artefact? I don’t see how I wouldn’t be looking to get some answers pretty darn quick.”  
“What do you want?”  
“You know who I want. Both of them.”  
“I can’t release her, she has an affinity with it! If anyone else tries to host it they’ll-”  
“Get ripped to shreds by a half orc and his friends in the hopes they can be released by the next water baron?”  
“I- you- Oh for the love of- yes alright? You can have them both! AFTER it’s back in the castle!”  
“WE take it back to the castle, you don’t get to lay a finger on it until we have our friends back. Safe and sound.”  
Lord Drylund made a small sound like a tea kettle. “Alright! Fine! Do whatever you wish! But you’ll be under my personal supervision the ENTIRE time.”  
“Fine by us. Okay guys, joke’s over. Ol’ Dry guy’s done messing with the guards now.”  
The captain looked up sharply. “What was that?”  
“Yeah we were leading you on a little. Lil lordy over here knows we’re innocent as the new snow right buddy? Why don’t you explain it to him.”  
So saying, Fjord gave the man a friendly pat on the back that propelled Lord Drylund almost to the feet of the captain who was starting to glare.   
“Uh.. ehehe, yes. We um… we were playing a bit of a prank on you… haha.”  
“A prank?” The captain glared. “You think crime is a joke?”  
“Uh well no, um. You see, it turns out these are the bounty hunters I sent after my poor fiancee and um, well… clearly they’ve brought her back! Huzzah!”  
“They match the description on the posters.”  
“Yes! Quite the coincidence isn’t it? But no. Not the same folks at all. The other ones were, ooh vicious brutes!”  
“And the crimes they confessed to?”  
“A little joke on their part, such fun! Ahahahha….. ha.”  
The captain glared a few seconds longer, then turned to a scribe who had been noting things down furiously as the Mighty Nein confessed their many illicit deeds.   
“Shut it down,” the captain barked. “It’s all a farce. Stop wasting paper and go do something useful.”  
The captain started to gather up his men, leaving the poor scribe to stare down at the large pile of writing at his feet. The boy’s eyes started to fill with tears.   
“I should have become a barbarian, like pa wanted.” He muttered miserably before gathering his things and scuttling away.   
“Well he looks placated.” Fjord commented as the captain started to take his leave from the riverside.   
“I could care less about him. You and ALL of your companions need to come to the castle with me. Now.”  
“One last thing before we do, you are not to harm a hair on Jester’s head! You don’t get to so much as look at her roughly, got it?”  
“Oh yes, of course! I won’t be touching her at all if I have my way. Won’t even need to speak to her.”   
Glowering, Lord Drylund stalked towards his home. A pair of guards broke away from the main group to accompany him and the Nein as they fell into step behind him.


	11. Tuskless Discussion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter this week, I think the folks at my job realised I was close to finishing this so I've been doing a LOT of overtime

As the group followed Lord Drylund like the world’s most reluctant entourage, Fjord picked up his own pace to walk next to the wicked human.   
“There’s something I can’t help wondering about.” He began, murmuring quietly so the guards wouldn’t hear the conversation. “Why is it that you chose Jester’s mom for this? Why not just pick up some random stranger who has the same ‘affinity’ you mentioned?”  
“Because this way I can kill three birds with one stone.” Drylund admitted, eyes wandering from side to side as they walked. “I get someone who can control the demon who is also someone of high influence, I get to use her daughter as a legitimate claim to the Ruby’s assets and connections and then I can use Jester’s death as a catalyst to one of the other cities starting a fight with Yartar. After that it’s merely a case of everyone picking sides and lighting the paper while I stand back as the distraught widower. Raking in all the money.”  
“And screw all the little people caught in the crossfire right?”  
“Pshaw! They should have thought of things like this before they became peasants. They’re not my concern. My concern is wealth, power and those that can help me achieve as much of both as possible. Anyone else is collateral damage.”  
“Including Jester?”  
“Oh please, have you heard her talk? The child is the very definition of pointlessly inane. She pulls pranks on people just for the sake of doing so! Who in their right mind would entertain that sort of thinking?”  
“Someone who saw how amazing, good, kind and funny she is as well I would think. Someone who can see just how much she does for others simply because of her good heart and her creative imagination.”  
“I pity that person.”  
“Funny you should think that, he would pity you too if you weren’t such an asshole.”  
“Semantics. I do what I do to get what I want. If other people can’t be bothered to bend the rules of morality that’s their problem. We’re here.”  
The castle was looming over the group with a dark aura of menace about it as flags dedicated to Lord Drylund fluttered in the wind.   
Fjord leaned towards the shorter man one last time.   
“If anything happens to her in there, I’ll be coming for you first. And I’ll start by scalping you.”  
“Duly noted. Should you and your friends try forcing your way into the castle proper I’ll instruct my guards to stick you so full of arrows you look like mutated hedgehogs.”  
Raising his voice as they reached the servants waiting at the entrance, he said “We’ll be entertaining these… erm… people for the evening. Prepare the hall and then clear out. We’ll serve ourselves and I want to make it VERY clear, we are not to be disturbed for any reason. Understood?”  
The servants bowed in unison and melted back into the castle.   
“They’ll set up somewhere for you all to bathe and change into something suitable.” Lord Drylund explained as he rubbed his temples. “I don’t like to conduct any sort of business with the stench of the outdoors clinging to those involved. I’ll make the arrangements for the bargaining chips to be brought to us while you all wash.”  
“You mean our friends.”  
“Potato potahto.” With an imperious wave of his hand, the man disappeared through a side door leaving Fjord and his friends in the capable looking hands of an older half elf woman who smiled and waved for them to follow her into a room that was already filling with steam.   
“Should we go in?” Nott asked nervously. “Can we even trust him?”  
“Do we even have a choice?” Caduceus drawled.   
“We’ll trust him, for now.” Fjord said grimly. “He’s got more to lose in his little games than he could gain through killing us off just yet. We’re not going to let our stuff out of our sight, any of us, but we’ll do as he’s asking for now. Just everybody keep your eyes open.”  
The others nodded and allowed themselves to be led to two seperate bathing areas. One for the ladies and another for the men in the group.   
The servants silently handed them towels and clothes to change into then left them to their scrubbing.   
Even without discussing it, the Mighty Nein refused the new clothes and returned to their old attire.   
Once they were reunited again in the foyer, the Nein were met by another silent handmaiden who bowed politely and beckoned them through into a large room that had a long table set up in the middle of the floor.   
The wood was groaning under the weight of a pile of food, meats and vegetables vying for position with fruits and cakes. It was a feast for any group less than a hundred or so.   
At the head of the table, Lord Drylund sat, cantankerously tearing a roast chicken apart and slurping his fingers every now and again when they got too greasy.   
“I see you’re done then, took a long enough time. Didn’t fancy the new clothes?”  
Fjord glared back at him. “We don’t feel up to trusting anything you want to offer us.”  
“Not even the food? I instructed the cooks to make a little of everything, there’s probably even a roasted rat here. Thought a couple of you would enjoy that.”  
Fjord crossed his arms over his chest. “We don’t need anything from you. Just our friends.”  
“I might just… take a little bacon if it’s all the same to you.” Beau said as she leaned around Fjord and grabbed a handful of the salty meats.   
Shoving them into her pocket, she nodded for Fjord to continue and crossed her own arms as she ignored his incredulous look.   
Drylund snorted around the meat in his mouth. Tossing the bones onto the table, he snapped his fingers.   
A quiet man who’d been stood by the far door stepped forward with a small hand towel.   
“Let’s get to business then.” Lord Drylund said. “I’d rather not deal with your messiness any more than I have to. Bring them in!”  
This last order was directed to the servant, who bowed and went to the door he’d been standing by beforehand.   
“They’d better be all right, for your sake.” Fjord snarled.   
“For your sake, you’d better have what I want.”   
The sound of wheels and iron chains started to grow louder as a pair of guards entered the hall, bringing with them a tall cage containing the Ruby of the Sea and a manacled and very ruffled looking Erik.


	12. Tuskless Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The return of Erik and Marion.... for this chapter at least

The first thing the Nein noticed was how tired Erik looked as he slumped in his chains, the second was how much worse Marion looked.   
“What did you do to them!?” Jester cried as she rushed to the cage and lay a hand on her mother’s side.   
The Ruby of the Sea looked faded and worn almost to nothing. She was curled up on the floor of the cage and looked a lot thinner than the last time they’d seen her.   
Jester whispered some words of infernal to her but she didn’t stir. Her eyes flickered behind their lids as though she were trapped in a nightmare.   
“You’d better have some explanations ready.” Fjord growled as Caduceus began performing some kind of healing spells on Erik.  
“I don’t know what to tell you that isn’t obvious.” Lord Drylund replied with no small amount of smirk. “You took the demon’s life force so now it’s leeching off of hers. That’s how these things work, if they have something that stores their dark energies they can restore themselves in the said item. Without it they must survive using the life and body of whatever poor sap they possess. In this case, the fair Marion.”  
Jester looked towards Fjord with fearful tears threatening to spring forth from her eyes.   
He gravely nodded. “Release them. Both of them. Then you can have the reliquary.”  
“Changing the rules already? And here I thought you played fair like good little heroes!”  
Lord Drylund continued to sneer as he pulled on a fine chain around his neck.   
Pulling a silver key from under his shirt, he sauntered over to Erik and then to Marion. As soon as she the door was opened Jester started to tug her mother free of the cage, Caduceus moving swiftly to help her.   
“There see? Not a mark on her pretty red skin!” Lord Drylund announced smugly.   
“More than I can say.” Erik grumbled, edging around the man to stand closely beside Caduceus.   
“Is she...?” Fjord asked.   
“She’ll be ok.” The firbolg confirmed. “We just need to get her free of that thing and she’ll be alright. Jester? Do you know what to do?”   
Jester looked rather wobbly still, but she nodded. “I know Caduceus. I’ll do my very best to make sure she’s alright, you too Erik.”  
So saying, she took one of Erik’s hands in her own and pulled him down until he was kneeling next to Marion as well.   
As soon as he was low enough, the blue teifling carefully hugged him around the neck and buried her face in the feathers by his ear.   
As if to comfort her, erik nodded a few times and patted her on the back. “I got this, it’s ok.” He murmured.   
While the two consoled each other, Caduceus went to stand beside Fjord once more. “I think it’s time.” He told the half orc.   
“You know I think you’re right. Drylund, you have upheld your part of our bargain. Now we will uphold ours. As soon as the demon is returned to the reliquary, we will be taking our leave. Even if that does mean we’re fighting our way through your guards, we’re leaving. Today, all of us.”  
“I’m sure.” The smaller man said. “Well in that case I suppose there’s no time like the present is there? By all means, show me what you brought.”  
Fjord turned to Caduceus, who reached into his pack and revealed the reliquary. Stepping to one side, he lay the item on the table.   
Jester stood up, leaving Erik to hold Marion’s hand while she stood beside Fjord and lay a hand on his arm.   
“Wonderful.” Drylund said as he gazed hungrily at the glass and metal contraption. “Now if you could all just take a few steps away from it, few more, that’s it. No sense in tempting anyone with sticky fingers eh? Ha! Now, my friend. Take back what is yours.”  
He waved towards Marion who started to cough, then opened her eyes to reveal her eyes had turned entirely black.   
Shuddering a little, she coughed harder and an inky smoke started to ooze from her mouth, eyes and nose towards the reliquary.   
Jester watched her mother while holding on tightly to Fjord’s hand. Her gaze lifted to Erik’s at one point and he gave her a reassuring nod.   
The dark cloud settled hungrily over the reliquary on the table, swirling as it pulled the last of itself out of Marion Lavorre.  
“Oh, Fjord was it?” Lord Drylund asked, as though he’d remembered something trivial.  
The half orc met the man’s gaze as he smirked through the last dregs of the cloud that left Marion slumped in Erik’s arms. “I lied.”  
“I know.” Fjord replied as the cloud coalesced, taking a moment before it poured itself into the reliquary. “We lied too.”


	13. Tuskless Metamorphosis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Body horror warning for this one! I doubt very much that I have the ability to write this sort of thing as very realistic but just in case consider this a warning that there is gross body changes here. I'll put a TL:DR at the beginning of the next chapter if anyone wants to skip this one so you don't have to worry about missing anything if this bit worries you.

Several things happened at once as Fjord said those words.   
Caleb released the breath he’d been holding, which ended the spell he’d cast to hide the additions to the reliquary.   
The demon finished melting into the reliquary and began to screech loudly in pain as its inky body began to thrash and press against the glass sides of the item.   
Erik put both hands on Marion’s shoulders and cast Dimension Door on the pair of them, disappearing in a blink.   
Lord Drylund took all of this in with open mouthed horror while the Mighty Nein pulled out their respective weapons and prepared to fight.   
“What have you done?” He bellowed, in sharp counterpoint to the keening of the demon that was now cracking the prison it was in.   
“We took your little buddy out of the game!” Fjord said with a smirk of his own. “And now you can either play on our terms or walk away from the board. I’m going to warn you, only one of those options features you getting out of here alive.”  
“You don’t understand!” Lord Drylund said, grabbing the reliquary and looking around desperately. “You don’t know what you’ve done, we have to get rid of it before-”  
A loud smash erupted from the item in his hands as the demon spread its suddenly very solid body into a ball of spikes that destroyed the reliquary from the inside.   
The Nein watched in horror as the goo inside forced itself onto and into Lord Drylund’s face, squeezing in to his tear ducts and nostrils as well as his mouth.   
The man made a pleading, muffled sound before his eyes rolled back in his head and his skin started to pulsate with the invading creature inside him.   
Nott covered her mouth with her hand as they all watched the mass in flesh in front of them start to writhe and convulse in a bloody mess until it stood again, stretched into long limbed and bloody red form.  
The demon waited until its jaw realigned with its sharp teeth before it spoke.   
“Ahhh, such a delicious friend he was. But now you’ve put me in an awful predicament.”  
The creature grinned through its stolen lips and flashed yellow eyes at the group in front of it.   
“Now I have to pick one of you to be my new vessel while I recover my strength by eating the rest of you!” It chuckled in a gurgling fashion as it watched the Nein.  
“Ok,” Beau said after a moment’s silence. “That’s just gross.”  
“Yeah!” Nott agreed. “It’s bad enough that you made someone who already looked ugly look even worse but to add cannibalism? What’s wrong with you?”  
“I’m a demon you ignoramus!” The creature spit, body fluids spraying from its jaws.   
“Yeah but that’s no excuse for going way too far. Even you guys should have standards.” Jester pointed out.   
“Fuck your standards! I’m a gods-damned demon! Now shut up and prepare to die, all of you! In a variety of horrible ways we are not going to debate anymore or I swear I will just destroy this whole place and take you lot with it!”  
“Well if you’re going to be rude.” Yasha drawled, shifting to a battle stance.   
“Come and get us.” Fjord snarled, holding his falchion at the ready. “If you’re man enough!”


	14. Tuskless Demon Battle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pretty much what it says on the tin. Battling and people geting hurt and then turning into mushrooms cause Caduceus is helping!

The thing that had once been Lord Drylund screeched in a voice that sounded like a human in torment and a beast from the deepest and most terrifying of nightmares all rolled into one.  
The demon leapt forward, aiming at Jester and Nott, who had the misfortune of being right behind her.   
As it swept Jester off her feet and threw her a few feet away, Fjord slashed at its side with his falchion, causing a thick ichor to spew forth from the wound. By the time it turned round Nott was nowhere to be seen, having hidden herself from further harm.   
Caleb started to mutter arcane words as Yasha took up a fighting stance next to him, ready to protect the wizard from any attacks.  
Beau yelled “Caduceus! Hold still I’m gonna use you for parkour!” Which gave Caduceus just enough time to ask “What?” Before Beau landed a foot on his chest, knocking the wind out of him as he fell over.  
His last sight of her before grey spots flooded his sight was of the monk sailing towards the demon.   
What he didn’t see was Beau’s fist driving right into the eye of the creature and smashing it into a nearby pillar where it reeled in a daze.  
“Woot! Yeah teamwork!” She crowed, looking back towards the wheezing Firbolg lying on the ground.   
A moment later, he gave a thumbs up.  
Nott yelped as the pillar she was hiding behind shook dangerously. Leaping away, she took aim with her crossbow and slammed a bolt into the creature’s shoulder. Scurrying behind a decorative vase, she hid herself again as the demon snarled its fury.  
Trembling, Nott covered her eyes with one hand, then with the other shot another arrow around the vase.   
Miraculously she hit the monster in the forehead this time and it screeched in pain as it reeled away.  
The demon shifted again, letting its form twist into a four armed mess that now bore no resemblance at all to what must surely be the late Lord Drylund.   
The sound of a door slamming open announced the arrival of several guards forcing their way into the room. The Captain, who was leading the attack, had just enough time to yell “What is going on in here?” before the beast swung an elongated, clawed arm and knocked two of his men out of the nearest window.   
The captain’s face paled and a few more men took the opportunity to run for it back the way they’d come.   
Mouth agape, the captain stared up at the creature until Jester yelled “It’s Lord doodyface! A demon ate him and now it’s trying to eat us!” Then with a deft kick off from the floor, she used her magic to create a giant lollipop that she slammed down on the creature’s head like a hammer.   
The demon lurched and raised an arm to try and grab her before she could get down, but the blue tiefling was too fast for him and she skipped out of the way of the grasping claws.  
“Stand your ground men!” The captain roared. “That’s a creature from the abyssal realms that needs putting back where it came from in bits! Let’s take him down!”  
The two guards moved forward to flank their captain, even though the paler one left behind a wet puddle as he moved.   
Seeing Caduceus groaning as he pushed himself up from the floor and Yasha guarding Caleb, Fjord took the opportunity to draw the monster’s attention with a slash aimed at its face where he managed to slice the already watering eye that Beau had punched. 

Squealing, the demon lunged towards Caleb with murderous intent. Making a split second decision, Yasha jumped on Caleb, ruining his spell and protecting him from the teeth that bit down on her back instead of his.   
Caduceus started making his way towards the two of them to heal Yasha while Beau distracted the monster with taunts and dancing just out of it’s reach.   
“Attack damn you!” The captain cried as he raised his sword and leapt towards the battle.   
With a hesitant glance between them, the two other guards ran forward too.   
Wriggling underneath Yasha, Caleb freed an arm well enough to blast a firebolt at the monster, releasing Yasha from its vile grip.   
Swinging its face away from the painful and sudden heat, the monster managed to smack Jester away even as she ran at it, lollipop raised.   
With such a glancing blow she managed to land on both feet, steadying herself with the end of the lollipop and giving a reassuring nod to Nott, who popped her head out from her hiding place to check on her friend.   
“I think it’s long since time we ended this!” Caduceus said as the creature roared and scrubbed at the last of the flames on its ruined face. Raising his hand, the Firbolg intoned a series of words and caused a strange glittering light to appear in various places on the beast’s hide.   
“NO!” It screamed as the parts of its borrowed body that had once been human, began to grow moss and fungus as it decayed rapidly.   
“Yeah let’s do it!” Beau cried, rushing to hit the monster again.   
Gnashing its teeth, the creature snatched the surprised monk out of the air and threw her towards Fjord who did his best to catch her.   
They landed in a heap with a whoosh of air as the others did their best to chop away at the demon.   
Slapping the guards away as it swung its arms wildly, the creature decided to concentrate on the remaining members of the Mighty Nein who were still upright and fighting.  
Leaving its back to the captain, it seemed unaware of the flesh there moving and forming a humanoid face.   
Surrounded by mushrooms and lichen, the face of what remained of Lord Drylund turned pleading eyes to his loyal captain.  
“Please…”   
Understanding filled the captain and he raised his sword to the face. Its mouth opened and revealed a still beating heart, corrupted and twisted by the demon that had taken over his body.   
With one hard thrust, the captain drove the point into the organ.   
Almost immediately the demon screeched and seemed to melt with the death of its host.   
The parts that had been Lord Drylund were dying, falling from the monster as it sloughed away from the inky mess that was still trying to coalesce into a body of its own.   
“Yasha, NOW!” Caduceus yelled, leaping forward.   
Ignoring her wounds, Yasha moved to one side of the demon as Caduceus reached the opposite and they both held out their hands as it burbled and shifted before them.   
Calling to their respective gods, the two started to bloom with holy energy until a bowl shaped shield poured from their skin and covered the squirming demon.   
Gasping with the extra drain on their energy, the two looked at each other and grinned.   
The Mighty Nein had won the battle.


	15. Tuskless Cameo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, not sorry

Cor that wasn’t half a wild scene! 

I know, there wasn’t even any sex in it 

That’s what surprised me and all, I had a lot of fun writing that bit

I notice the bit with the heart put you off your honey cake though. 

I wasn’t put off I was saving that last bit! My stomach’s practically made of iron.

Mm hmm, is that why you went green when we were talking about the demon taking over Lord Drylund?

That is lies and it is slander! I could sue you!

Sure you could darling. 

I mean… if I wanted to… I could.

I believe you love. 

The squirming lump of flesh battered itself at the walls of its magical prison. As everyone clustered around to gape at the once fierce enemy they could hear it’s keening voice raging from inside the bowl.  
“Go fetch the house steward, this whole mess will need to be explained soon.” The captain said to one of his guards.  
The younger man nodded and tripped away quickly, carefully sidestepping the remains of his lord as he passed them.   
“Are you going to tell the steward that a gang of miscreants came into the castle and killed your lord and master?” Fjord asked, quirking an eyebrow at the captain.   
“Fuck no.” The man answered with a snort. “I’m gonna say the little tit went and got himself killed farting about with demons. If they argue I’m letting them see this.. thing.”  
The slimy creature made a squishing noise as it rubbed against the prison.  
“Yup. That’s gonna be in my nightmares for a while.”  
“Same here.” Fjord agreed. “If you need to go and do something official, we’ve pretty much got him here.”  
“I might check in on my other troops, but I won’t go far. Nine times out of ten when someone says that everything turns to crap.”  
“I promise to keep an eye on things before that happens.”  
“I’ll hold you to that!” So saying, the captain turned on his heel and strode from the room.   
Turning back to the little monster, Fjord squatted down so as to see it better as it writhed angrily.  
“Did I just lie to that man or are we good here?” He asked as he looked up at Caduceus.   
“Oh we’re just fine. He won’t get out of here anytime soon. Little bugger is too weak in this form to do anything physically damaging without skin contact and the shield will prevent any magical attacks.”  
“That’s something at least. Hear that you ugly little turd? You’re gonna be out of everyone’s hair soon enough.”  
The slimy mass seemed to turn towards Fjord and a thought came into his mind. Alien and harsh in comparison to his own thoughts.   
“Release me. Set me free and you can have anything you want.”  
Fjord frowned at the offer. “You don’t have anything I want.” He thought in response.  
With that, the voice was replaced by images, scenarios. He was the new ruler of Yartar. The city flourished. People were rallying under his banner, in his name. Jester was marrying him under the gaze of hundreds of high born people all looking on with gentle affection. His parents were living in a grand mansion, happily bouncing baby tieflings on their knees.   
Then the scene grew. His banner was carried through crusades that poured through goblin hordes like a hot knife through butter. He stood over a fallen giant with a bloody sword that he held aloft, men cheering. A blue dragon faced him in battle and bowed its head at his feet.   
“It can all be yours.” The voice whispered.   
He knew it was true, the voice meant every word. He could become so powerful the world would bend to his will. His family, his friends, protected forever.   
Everyone would be safe and happy and it would all be because of Fjord.   
Leaning close enough to whisper without the others hearing, the half orc stared into the inky mess as he spoke. “Do you know the one thing I would love to see removed from this world?” He asked.   
“Tell me.” It was hissing now, certain of its power. Knowing it had him.   
“Little gross blots like you. Nothing will make me happier than knowing you are jammed back into your own damn world, preferably through a portal located in a pig’s anus.”  
The creature fizzed and bubbled with rage. “There will always be war! There will always be those stupid enough to want it and the carrion that comes after! I’ll be back and everything you hold dear shall pay for your refusal today.”  
“Then I’ll be sure to raise them to know never to trust things like you, but to trust their friends instead.”  
So saying, Fjord rose up and turned to watch a golden glow appear at the corner of the room behind Caduceus.   
“Ahh this’ll be the nice young lady I told you guys about.” Caduceus said as he smiled at the light.   
A leg broke through the light and stepped neatly into the room closely followed by the rest of a halfling woman in plate armour. Her white hair was wrapped in a bun at the back of her head and a necklace dedicated to Sarenrae dangled at her throat. Tilting her head back as far as it would go she smiled up at the firbolg.   
“Hello again Mr Clay, did it work?”  
“Oh yes Mrs Shorthalt, very well. As you can see we have the little bugger right here.”  
“You’ve done very well at keeping it under control. Let’s see now, I just need to set up a few points here…”   
The halfling began to set down flat, thin pieces of some kind of quartz. Laying them neatly in a circle around the two holding the magical bowl over the demon.   
“This is your friend who fixed the reliquary up to be a trap?” Fjord asked.   
“Oh yes, Pike and I are old friends.” Caduceus nodded. “She visited my graveyard a few times looking for some specific items for some spells she needed to try and we got talking and it turns out she’s very used to dealing with creatures from the demon based realms. Since her kids have started going on little adventures of their own she’s become very adept at healing and the removal of evil creatures. I’m hoping that’s what’s going to happen next.”  
“That’s exactly what’s going to happen next.” She confirmed, stepping back after dropping the last piece of quartz. “I’m going to have to ask you both to keep the prison up until the last second. Wait until I give you the signal before you remove the magic alright?”   
Yasha and Caduceus nodded in agreement and Fjord stepped back out of the way with one hand on his falchion in case of emergencies.   
“Don’t let her do this!” The voice hissed again. “I can do more for you than anything these fools could give you, I can make you lord of this whole plane! You could be the greatest lord ever known.”  
Growling a little in his throat, Fjord ignored the voice as Pike started to chant and raised her hands.  
“”There are others out there,” it whispered. “More like me, more than you could ever know. They will find you and others like you and you won’t be able to resist them all.”  
“I’ll never make a deal with the likes of you.” Fjord thought as the halfling’s hands lit up. “Not in this lifetime, not ever.”  
The demon quivered as the light increased and burbled a laugh. “Not in this lifetime? Oh but perhaps you will succumb in another. We shall see… I can wait.”  
Pike nodded to the two magic users who stepped out of the quartz circle as a powerful shining beacon rose from the circle all the way up to the ceiling.   
Staring into the light, Fjord felt as though a new voice was drowning out the demon’s. It was a musical, soothing voice that made him feel like a child listening to his mother singing.   
It was beautiful.   
The light shimmered and seemed to fill the room, banishing all the shadows as it swelled. For a moment it seemed as though it would fill Fjord’s body too, as if he might become just as light as the figure he could almost but not quite see standing behind Pike. Then, as quickly as it had arrived, the light winked out. Taking the demon with it.


	16. Tuskless Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ending has arrived, loose threads are tied, goodbyes are said and Fjord and Jester make tough decisions. As do their friends. Bonus conversation between the authors and the one who commisioned this nonsense at the very end.

As soon as Fjord could see normal colours again, he realised that the room had filled with what looked to be the majority of the castle’s servants.   
A short, chubby elf with curly red hair dug her fists into her hips and frowned at the mess of a body that had been her employer.   
“We should get a blanket over this.” She said, already looking around for someone to help her.  
“I can help with the disposal.” Caduceus offered. “So long as there’s someone willing to help me get the body outside, maybe to the garden?”  
“I’ll help.” Said a pot bellied half orc who had a cleaver stuck through his belt and blood stains on his vest. “Wouldn’t be the worst dead thing I’ve seen over the years.”  
The red haired elf had a hurried conversation with a waiter, who passed her one of the large napkins he as holding. She gently draped it over Lod Drylund’s face as Caduceus and the half orc took ahold of him and moved him outside.   
As they passed the captain of the guard, he put out an arm to hold back the people he had started to walk back in with.  
Once the way was clear he entered with two more guards, someone in a clerk’s robe, Marion Lavorre and Erik.  
Jester squealed with joy as she saw her mother, looking exhausted but much more alive than she had so far.   
Fjord was no less overjoyed but he was quieter about it, simply grabbing his friend into a tight hug that was quickly reciprocated.   
“My darling, you’re alright?” Marion was saying, brushing Jester’s hair away from her face and peppering her forehead with kisses.   
“Yes mama.” Jester chuckled, doing her best to return her mother’s affections. “We’re all ok now.”  
“Speak for yourself...” Beau said, rubbing her side where she had fallen hard earlier.   
“At least we are all alive with all our limbs attached.” Caleb pointed out as he put a hand on Nott’s shoulder.  
“Even better, we don’t have any extra limbs attached!”   
“Nice to see you’re all doing so well.” The elf grumbled. “But what are we all going to do? Without a master of the castle are we out of a job?”  
“But some of us live here!” Wailed a halfling in a maid’s cap. “Where should we go?”  
“Oh pipe down with that nonsense!” The captain of the guard barked. “No one’s going anywhere. It’s written in the laws of Yartar that barring any foul play that can be proven the loss of a lord with no heir apparent means that the running of the castle passes to the longest serving man who works there in the highest position.”  
“Bloody hell Remington that’s you!” The elf cried, pointing dramatically at him.   
“Yes thank you Portia, I’ll be taking over the running of the castle unless anyone has any disagreements with that.”  
There was a murmuring of dissent and a few voices even spoke up hopefully that things might improve around the city now.   
Nott’s voice piped up in a lull and exclaimed “His name’s Remington!?”  
“The first thing we’re going to do,” he continued, ignoring Nott’s repeated cry of ‘Remington?!?’ “Is clean up this city and the mess the previous lord made of it. So we’re gonna need all the clerks and scribes in the castle, some runners to spread the news and anyone who knows messaging spells so we can contact the town criers. I want everyone to know a change is in the air by the time I next visit the privy.”   
With a clap of his hands, Remington dismissed everyone from the hall. People rushed here and there, some setting up posts on the hall table to write out the news while others went through what spells they had available.   
Caleb, Caduceus and Pike went to offer a hand to the last group while Beau, Yasha and Nott joined the runners, ready to to spread the word via the most populated points of the city.   
Fjord and Jester took hold of Erik and Marion and led them to the nearest group of gossiping maids and asked what they needed to do to ensure some medical attention and a place for the two to bathe and rest for a while.   
“I’ll get you some rooms set up,” said Portia, bustling to attention. “Best if you go up with Sage and Evangeline here, they both know a little healing. I’ll get you some baths and creature comforts set up lickety split don’t you fret.” With a wink, she gently shoved two young human maids forward and snapped out some instructions before herding the rest of the maids to the kitchens with several more instructions.  
It felt like a matter of minutes before Erik and Marion each had their own room, with two beds so Fjord and Jester could stay close beside them as they rested.   
As soon as they were ensconced in thickly padded chairs and the humans had begun to soothe their aches and pains, a small group of maids dragged in large tin baths and filled them with steaming hot water scented with herbs and blossoms.   
All the while that they were being soothed and brought back to their former glory, Erik and Marion were regaled by the stories of the Mighty Nein by Jester and Fjord.  
As soon as they were both clean Erik and Marion insisted that they weren’t tired enough to sleep yet and the boys joined the girls for more adventure discussion until Portia reappeared with enough food to feed a small army, closely followed by the rest of the Mighty Nein.

As the afternoon wore on, the Nein worked through every aspect of their journey thus far for everyone who had missed it.  
Pike stuck around until Jester was turned into a weasel, then she announced that she had to return home to her family.   
Portia and the other servants popped in and out with more food, drink and the odd bit of news as the city learned they had been under the thrall of a demon for the last few years.   
Remington appeared as they were recounting the battle with Vindeus and his tabaxi friend.   
“The whole city is in a mess I hope you know.” He said mock threateningly. “We’ve got some less than savoury thugs making their way out as quickly as possible while some of the families that were displaced have already begun making their way back.”  
“Does this mean we’re not wanted criminals anymore?” Jester asked.   
“Quite the opposite, the tale’s getting out that you were the ones to discover the beast in Lord Drylund’s clothing and stop him. The stories will be wildly out of proportion by the time you folks are ready to go on your merry way.”  
“Oh not for a while please?” Nott groaned. “I’d fight another dinosaur in a heartbeat if it meant I could stay a few more hours in these blankets.”  
Everyone laughed with relief that a comfy spot was suddenly the biggest issue on the horizon.   
“You’ve all had a hand in saving this city,” Remington continued. “You’re all more than welcome to stay as long as you wish.”  
“If it’s as long as we wish,” Caduceus piped up, raising his hand. “I’d like to make this a one night stop. I have a graveyard to attend to and my family will be getting worried.”  
Jester’s face dropped. “You’re leaving us Caduceus?”  
“Not just him.” Yasha said, gently pulling free from Beau. “I need to go home as well and confirm that the threat has passed. I have my own duties.”  
The Nein looked round at each other and realised that their group had suddenly become people with very different lives that would need them back.   
“Well, if this is the last stand of the Mighty Nein…” Fjord said as he stood up. “Maybe we should take the opportunity to make it a farewell party?”  
His gaze turned to Remington with a quirked brow. The ex captain of the guard grinned wolfishly. “Do you know I think that’s an excellent idea.” He said.

The night quickly turned into a whirl of drink, song, laughter and several expressions of fondness that were passed between the Nein, Marion and Erik, Remington and even Portia and the other servants whenever they passed through with more refreshments.   
As the night wore on, everything blurred into each other and Fjord declared his undying friendship with most of the people in the room, three marble busts and a portrait of fruit that looked vaguely like a person.   
He came to himself enough to realise he was sat on the floor watching Caleb dance a waltz with Marion while Erik played on his lute. Sat next to him, was Jester.   
“I wish I hadn’t been so tongue tied around you so long.” He slurred. “Cause I spent a long time thinking I’d never be anything more than a convenience to you after that first night.”  
“Oh Fjord,” Jester burbled. “I liked you the second I saw you. When I got to sleep with you too I was so sad because I thought I would be stuck sleeping with that crusty old jerk Drylund forever and you were so good, and so nice, and so hot. I forget my point, but you were amazing and it felt so nice to be with you all the time, like not even when you were all hard and naked but just day to day you know?”  
“I know and I thought the same way about you except you weren’t hard you were… um… other thing. I don’t know, but you were always amazing and I always thought you’d never want to be with me full time like that cause I’m from a travelling family with no real home of our own and I’m half orc half human and you’re from a rich family in that beautiful country where your mother lives and stuff.”  
“Oh Fjord, I grew up there and I love my mama. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you too, I do. I just don’t know how to live there and here at the same time.”  
“If only that duplication spell of yours worked long distance, that’d be nice.”  
“It sure would, but mama will need help now when she goes back home to make sure there’s no lasting effects from all this. She said she doesn’t remember if he set anything up back there before she left so she’s going to need to be sure it’s all safe. She can’t do that alone.”  
“I know.” Fjord said, feeling suddenly sober. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her over until her head rested on his own shoulder. “I know.”  
The party continued and everyone danced and sang and drank and ate until they were nothing more than a bundle of bodies curled up in various spots around the room.   
With the quietest of steps, Portia and her companions gently laid blankets over everyone who needed one.   
A little later on, they returned with discreet bowls which they left conveniently by everyone’s head. 

The next morning, Caduceus was up bright and early with only a note left on his makeshift pillow (It was Nott, curled into a happy ball) and a small bouquet of fungus, which he left wrapped in Yasha’s hands.   
It was a sobering thing to wake up to even for those who weren’t quite sober enough to remember all the details of last night.   
Marion had also disappeared, but Jester assured everyone it was just so she could go over some technical details with Remington before the Nein left en masse.   
“She also said that the nice Mr Captain guy was setting up a breakfast for us if we want to go eat.”  
“Please don’t mention food…” Nott whimpered, holding her head and wincing.   
“I’m sorry Nott, did you want to leave breakfast for today?”  
“Oh no! I’ll still come and eat, just don’t mention it until I’ve had a chance to get my stomach to agree with my brain.”  
Everyone began to troop downstairs, except for Yasha who grabbed Beau by the elbow before she could join the others and held her back a moment.   
“I’ve decided I’m going to leave quietly as well.” She explained to the monk. “I like everyone here but, with an entire castle full of people to say goodbye to it just… feels like a lot. I would much rather go like this.”  
“Right right right,” Beau said as nonchalantly as she could. “You’re a loner, I get it. Gotta do your own thing. I mean I’m the same, well apart from Jester but you know. Besides her I am just fine on my own, nobody but me.”  
Yasha gave a small half smile. “I’d like you to have these though, if you ever get a little tired of being alone.”  
“Caduceus’... mushrooms… wow. Thank you I… guess?”  
“If you’ll take a look at the paper I wrapped around them, I wrote down the details to reach my home. I’ll be in Waterdeep for a while before I go back there but I thought if you ever wanted to be alone with someone new you could-”  
Yasha didn’t get to finish the sentence as Beau threw herself onto the larger woman, practically smashing their mouths together in a passionate kiss. 

Roughly twenty minutes later, a dishevelled Beau sauntered down to the dining hall and took a seat next to Jester.   
“Hey Beau, there’s loads of bacon on offer! You could make out like a bandit!”  
“Oh I already did Jes.”  
Nott sat next to Caleb, chattering excitedly about how talented and smart her boy was to both Marion and Remington.  
“The plan was to go on to Neverwinter Academy, we even passed through there on one of our journeys here but there wasn’t time to go on in.”  
“We would probably have been dismissed anyway my friend.” Caleb soothed. “We are not the most savoury of folks and it takes a lot to gain entrance to such an illustrious place of learning. Perhaps we can look into moving on with our hunt for education another way.”  
“I disagree.” Remington rumbled. “We owe you and your friends a very great debt of gratitude for what you’ve done for us. We tried to give Caduceus his share as he left but he insisted that he’d rather have some plant cuttings and the like. Very odd, however he did agree to give his share of the money to the rest of you to share so that combined with your own portions should allow you both to attend.”  
Caleb gaped at Remington as the realisation hit him.   
“You may also find it easier to stay together, sharing a room if someone of high standing were to explain that you work best as a team.” Marion added. “I took the liberty of whipping you up a letter to take with you. So you won’t have to worry about being separated either.”  
So saying, she handed Caleb a small scroll of paper, sealed with one of her own signet rings.  
Caleb all but shrank in his seat, overwhelmed by the generosity as Nott stood up and practically danced a jig in place while she clapped her hands and sang “My boys going to learn magic! Big magic! he’s going to be amazing!!”  
Caleb covered his blushing face as everyone cheered and clapped his good fortune while Nott flung her arms around his head and cried fat tears of joy into his hair.   
Jester’s smiling face turned to Fjord’s and faltered briefly, as did his.

It wasn’t long before Nott and Caleb were racing away on a horse given to them by Remington. Their goodbyes involved plenty of hugs, a few shoulder punches and at least one awkward handshake.   
Then there was only Marion, Beau, Erik, Fjord and Jester.   
“I could always just set you guys up with a carriage you know.” Remington suggested. “I’m enjoying using the old bastard’s money to make people’s lives easier and it would let you all travel in style on your way home.”  
“No need dear captain.” Marion interjected. “We would do much better if we could have a horse each to ride. Although I daresay some supplies for the road wouldn’t go amiss.”  
“Then supplies you shall have, and an escort through the most treacherous parts of the roads if you’ll allow me to worry a little before you leave our city entirely.”  
It was the best offer they could imagine, which led to the group being rounded out by two nervous looking but eager young humans who rode ahead of and just behind the heroes.   
Beau and Erik were talking quickly about something, bantering back and forth in hushed voices.   
Fjord would have been annoyed if he weren’t so miserable. This would be the last journey he could take with Jester.   
“I think this is far enough my friends, why don’t you head back to Yartar now? No sense in you having to spend the night out here.”  
Marion smiled at the guards as she spoke, her tone gentle but firm so they knew it was not quite a suggestion.  
The two guards shared a glance, then hurriedly nodded to the others and turned back the way they’d come.   
The remaining friends continued to wander on silently until they reached a crossroads.   
One arrow pointed towards Waterdeep, where Marion and Jester could find a boat home with Beau.   
The other signpost led towards a tavern Fjord knew was a communication post for traders and the third post had been scratched off. From memory, he knew it led to a lot of farmland and safe houses where they usually holed up when the need arose.   
“We should head to the tavern first and check if there’s been any news. Then we’ll know where to aim for your parents.” Erik said, studying the signpost.   
Fjord nodded miserably and started to turn his horse the right way. “I guess there’s no reason to wait any longer, we should-”  
Erik moved his horse to stand in place ahead of Fjord’s. Blocking his way completely.   
“Not you buddy. Just me, and Beau.”  
“Beau! Are you not coming home with me and mama?” Jester asked.   
“Well neither are you.” The monk replied. “Surprise!”  
Jester and Fjord looked at each other, bewildered. “Mama?” She quavered, looking to Marion for answers.   
“I’m sorry my darling but it is long since time you spent some time in the real world. Maybe you were too closeted at home but seeing how you’ve changed while here, I’m very proud of you my darling. So I think you need to stay in Faerun while I put everything back in order at home.”  
“But mama, we’ve been apart for so long… I can’t leave you on your own after everything that’s happened.”  
“My darling,” Marion said, fondly stroking Jester’s cheek. “You’ve grown so much after such a short time. I can see how you feel about that dear young man of yours. I would be a terrible mother if I didn’t give you the chance to grow together with him. I know he’ll take care of you as much as I would and now I know you can certainly take care of yourself.”  
The two tieflings chuckled a little at that last comment, then fell on each other in a tight hug.  
“I love you mama.” Jester whispered. Marion kissed her on the cheek and wiped away her tears before she replied. “I love you too my darling, forever and always. Come and see me when you’re ready but until then, be happy sweetheart.”  
“I promise I will mama.”   
“Good girl. And Fjord?”  
“Uh… yes ma’am?”  
“If you hurt my girl I may have to remove any possible chance for you to ever have children.”  
Fjord gulped. “Y-yes ma’am!”  
“Speaking of which, darling? If you ever have children, bring them to meet their grandmother as soon as you possibly can, alright?”  
“I promise mama.”  
“Good, well. You may visit whenever you wish and I hope you remember to write to me as often as possible. Be well my darling.”  
With that, Marion turned her horse and rode hard for Waterdeep. Jester covered her mouth with one hand and with the other waved her goodbye.   
Fjord nudged his horse beside hers and gently put his arm around her. Almost immediately she leaned into him, looking for comfort.   
Erik and Beau watched the scene for a few moments before Beau broke the silence.   
“Well dang! We forgot the fact that Jester’s still technically kidnapped!”  
“Oh my gosh you’re right!” Erik said, hands pressing against his cheeks in mock astonishment. “We can’t POSSIBLY ride together with such a criminal alongside us!”  
“What are you two even talking about?” Fjord asked, immediately suspicious.   
“We think you two are a bad influence.” Beau said with a shockingly straight face.   
“You’ve led us to some shocking bad adventures.” Erik nodded. “So we’ve decided it would be better if we weren’t seen with you. We can go to leave a message for Torgan and Sarissa, while you guys go off to a safe house…. Probably that one by the hill where we found that abandoned Gryphon nest when we were little. With the green roof? It should be serviceable by now.”  
“Erik, are you and Beau just trying to give Jester and I time alone?”  
“I’m astonished and aghast that you would ever suggest such a thing!”   
Before he could say anything more, Jester laid a hand on his arm and smiled at their friends. “Thank you guys, for everything.”   
“Just promise you’ll be done with the really gross stuff by the time we join you again.” Beau said. “I love you, but I do NOT want to see any part of your body engaged with any part of his body thanks.”  
Jester burst out laughing as Fjord blushed.  
“Come on Beau, they won’t have long before nightfall!” Erik laughed, kicking his horse into a canter.  
“See you soon!” Beau called as she followed swiftly.  
“Stay safe!” Jester called, waving them off. “So where is this house?” She asked turning to Fjord.  
“Well, I guess I don’t have any choice but to show you.”   
Offering his arm, he grinned at Jester, who giggled before taking it.   
They started riding at a sensible pace, like two lovers taking a stroll, until Jester grinned impishly and suddenly leapt ahead, urging her horse on as she shouted over her shoulder “Last one there’s a rotten gryphon egg!”

By the time the horses were tethered in the barn, food and water readily available, the sun was starting to set.   
Jester and Fjord stood at the edge of a field of swaying grass that surrounded the house with the green roof.   
“How long do you think the others are going to be?” Jester asked.   
“Long enough for us to make this a nice little home of our own for a while, then afterwards… we can talk about what comes next.”  
“Would there be a lot coming next?”  
“As much or as little as you’d like. More people in our future, less people in our future, little people in our future…”  
“Are you suggesting we have kids before we get married? I am a young lady!”  
“I would never dream of insulting you ma’am! In fact with your permission I would like to marry you as soon as possible.”  
“Really? Because I must admit, I like the thought of you carrying me over the threshold someday.”   
“Why wait?” Fjord smirked as he suddenly lifted a squealing Jester and settled her bridal style in his arms.   
“Oh well then! You’d better carry me inside soon Mr Fjord!” She giggled as she wrapped her arms around his neck. “Otherwise I don’t know that we’ll make it inside before I just have to start kissing you.”   
“Well I’ll be sure to hurry then!”  
Fjord carried her through the swaying grass, the two of them laughing as they bathed in the first of the starlight to fill the sky.   
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did we finish? Is that it?

That’s it, he hasn’t arrived yet has he?

I think I heard someone enter the shop front, let me just go see… Ah yes! Hello Mr Tealeaf, we’ve just finished the writing! Can we offer you some tea?

Ahh no thank you boys, you’ve done enough for me with these delightful little stories! I’m sure my friends will enjoy reading these. 

You mentioned, these are the friends you haven’t seen for a while?

That’s right, there was this whole thing, we weren’t sure if we could meet up again anytime soon but seeing as I’m now able to catch up to them… I thought they’d appreciate a little gift for when I return and books seem to be the most prized possession in our little group so far. 

Well hopefully they’ll like these. It’s been fun working with you sir.

Please, call me Mollymauk, though I must love you and leave you, Erik is waiting for me outside. We have a mail coach to catch. Farewell!

Have a safe trip!

Tell your friends we offer a ten percent discount if they book more projects with us! What a charming fellow he was.   
Wasn’t he? So many tattoos but they look so good on him!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all folks! I've been writing this for around nine months off and on and it's time to say goodbye. 
> 
> It was pretty fun getting to play god with the Critical Role characters but I diverged from canon a LONG time ago which was a but silly of me as I was also trying to write my own original story, write a bunch of short stories and edit a friend's book that she's also written while doing the majority of this fic. 
> 
> Note to anyone reading this, the above was NOT a good idea on my part and one of the breaks I took was because of that! The advice I got from a friend was to work on one project at a time and AT MOST edit something else, so I'm passing that on to you guys. 
> 
> To everyone who started reading this and got fed up, sorry I lost you but thank you very much for giving me a shot. I'm still learning.
> 
> To everyone who enjoyed this whether or not you felt able to comment, thank you so very much! 
> 
> To everyone who started reading at this last chapter, how do you do that? I would be so lost if I did that! 
> 
> And of course, to the characters and their owners, I apologise for the butchery! 
> 
> I hope you all get new chapter of your favourite stories updated very soon. 
> 
> Buh-bye!


End file.
